10 Ridiculous – And Real – Things We Said To Our Kids This Week

The most unexpected, hilarious part about being a parent is finding yourself saying the most ridiculous, outrageous things to your kids. Things you never imagined you’d say, yet seem perfectly appropriate in the moment.

I didn’t know that ”Don’t lick your brother,” would become an important part of my daily communication with my older son. Or that ”Don’t pee on your brother,” would be said every night at bath time. Sometimes after saying something inane like ”Shoes are not a hat!” I sit and laugh at myself. Shoes are not a hat. Indeed.

After catching myself saying these silly mom-isms, I started wondering what gems were being said in my friends’ houses. I asked around and amassed quite a collection. Here are ten of the funniest recent Mom-isms blurted out by my friends and family. I bet you’ve even said one – or all – of these today.

 1) ”Don’t wipe your nose on the couch.”



Oh man, this one and its variants are on repeat at our house. You know how people say that moms are chauffeurs, cooks, maids, therapists, etc,? Well, they leave out ”˜human tissues.’ My son is sure my hand, my shirt, or anything near him at the moment are made for him to wipe his nose on. Which reminds me that I need to get out my real tissues it’s runny nose season.

2) ”Don’t pull on your brother’s penis.”



After putting the call out, my inbox was overwhelmed with penis-centric Mom-isms. I think every mom of a boy has their own bizarre and hilarious – yet necessary – penis sayings. ”Don’t pull on your brother’s penis” is pretty good advice I’m sure I’ll be adding it to my bath time routine soon.

3) ”The dog doesn’t want to wear Tinkerbell’s wings.”



Growing up, my sister and I tortured our poor cat by adorning him with baby clothes and jewelry before stuffing him into a stroller. I guess dressing up animals never goes out of style.

4) ”If you’re going to push your sister off something, push her off the couch, not the table.”



Half my job as a parent is mitigating and running interference. Yes, my son ate a cupcake, but at least he had broccoli first. It’s okay if he watches a show because he just read a book. And really, if he wanted to push his brother, I’d probably just make sure he tried to be safe about it.

5) ”Don’t lick the bottom of your shoe.”



What is it about shoes that make them so delicious looking? My toddler is obsessed with pulling off his shoes. If I don’t catch him in time, he’ll put one in his mouth and walk around, very pleased with his dog-like self.

6) ”Poor potty, it’s so hungry. Can’t you give it some poo poo or pee pee?”



Some of the most  outrageous things parents say are during the seemingly never-ending stage of potty training. But all the bribes, coaching, cheering, dancing and silly chants are worth it in the end.

7) ”No. You’re 9-years-old; I’m done wiping butts.”



With a 4-year-old and a toddler, I’m still very much in the butt-wiping phase of parenting, but I can’t wait until I get to say my kids are too old for me to wipe them.

8) ”I don’t think you need swimming goggles to stay safe on your bike.”



One of my favorite things about kids is how they dress themselves. When my son picks out his clothes, he often wears all red (his favorite color), or a blanket as a cape. As far as swimming goggles go, I’m sure if he had them, he would find it necessary to wear them.

9) ”Stop burping in your sister’s face, put your penis back in your pants, and did you just wipe that booger on my carpet?”



Yeah, it sounds like mom is at the end of her rope and done for the day. Maybe she could use a glass of wine. Speaking of”¦.

10) ”No, you can’t drink my wine.”



After the important work of keeping your kids clothed and dressed and fed, after getting them to school and back again, hell, after just keeping them alive, you are entitled to sit down and treat yourself to a glass of wine. The kids, however, are not invited.

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