10 Ways To Repurpose The Fifty Shades Of Grey Sex Toys That Bore You Now

The new Fifty Shades of Grey trailer has hit the Internet, and the overall reaction to the steamy scenes has been, well, tepid. All the housewives, moms, and newbie kinksters who hit the Fifty Shades scene hard a few years ago seem to have moved on to greener pastures – whether that’s the part of the bondage scene that actually understands how consent and safewords work, or back to regular old vanilla-sex-when-you-have-time-between-Little-League-games world. (Or maybe reading and writing My Little Pony BDSM fan-fiction? Who knows.) This means there’s a lot of people out there in possession of unused drawers full of some serious bondage gear. Here are some of the things you can do with those long-forgotten nipple clamps and silk rope now that the shine has worn off.

1. Crotchless underwear

crotchless panties(Via)

Let’s face it, whatever your post-baby body looks like, one thing that’s almost certainly changed is your ability to contain your bladder. Wear these underpants with a skirt, and cut one step out of the bathroom process!

2. Silk rope

silk love rope(Via)

Do you have toddlers who get into everything? Just let them try to break into the cleaning supplies cupboard with a triple-knotted version of this thing tied around the handles.

3. Satin blindfold

satin blindfold(Via)

These days, you’re up all night with the new baby instead of up all night to get lucky. Catch a mid-day nap with this handy blindfold to block out irritating afternoon sunlight.

4. Pink bondage tape

pink bondage tape(Via)

There’s nothing in life that can’t be fixed by WD-40, duct tape, or a combination thereof. If you’re out of duct tape, why not substitute in this refreshingly feminine alternative? It’ll look especially great if your child breaks the front door off Barbie’s dream house or rips the passenger-side door off of her little pink convertible.

5. Buttplug

purple buttplug(Via)

The bathtub drain hasn’t been watertight for years, but finally you’ll be able to relax with a bubble bath again using this little guy as a stopper. Bonus idea: use some of that past-its-expiration-date scented lube in the hot water as aromatherapy.

6. Silk bondage scarf

silk bondage scarf(Via)

This is going to go great with that new pant suit you just bought at Kohl’s. And it’s not like anyone else is going to have any idea what else it’s been used for (except maybe your coworkers who also devoured the 50 Shades books during their lunch breaks).

7. Spanking ruler

spanking ruler

(via)

Rulers, like scissors, can openers, and functional ballpoint pens, go missing constantly. Use the spanking ruler as a ruler (but maybe wash it first). Sadly, you cannot measure your confusion at why you spent $25 plus shipping and handling to be spanked with a black, be-tasseled version of a common household object.

8. Wooden paddle

wooden paddle(Via)

Do you have a better idea for getting the pizza out of the oven? I didn’t think so.

9. Riding crop

riding crop(Via)

Sure, it doesn’t have as much surface area as a traditional flyswatter, but it’ll be a lot faster. Hone your aim until you can nab a fly out of the air with one flick, like a bondage version of Mr. Miyagi.

10. The actual books

fifty shades of grey(Via)

The kitchen table has always been tippy, and you and your partner’s, ah, Fifty Shades-inspired activities certainly didn’t help matters. Wedge the first volume in the trilogy underneath the short leg to see if you can salvage both the furniture and the book. Ta-da!

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