being a mom

10 More Things That Will Make Your Babysitter Hate You

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Babysitter-kidsI’m baa-aack…with ten more reasons why your babysitter is having a really bad day. Spoiler alert: it’s you. Well, probably not you who are reading this on Mommyish,  as you seem to be a reasonable (and attractive!) bunch. But at least 132 of your fellow parents are out there, committing each and every one of the following noxious offenses right this second as you innocently read. Please make sure you are not one of them!

1. You Fish For Compliments On Your Kid…At The Expense Of Other Kids

Yes, Mason surely is more intelligent than other children in his school, including the other kids for whom I babysit! He is the most beautiful, brilliant and all around amazing miracle of a  child upon which I have even laid my eyes and yes, I do mean that literally! I swear to you on your stack of unread New Yorkers!

Don’t put me in a Saw trap concocted of your twisted parental narcissism, within which I must either fail to validate your child or insult literally every other child in the world, including those for whom  I babysit, to whom I am related or otherwise love.

2. You Text Me Incessantly

Many of you have complained to me over the years about those sitters, the ones from which I am at least theoretically different. The ones on their phones all the time. Texting.

In a fascinating twist, sometimes I am one of those babysitters, because the I’m glued to my phone texting you. Yes, often the very same parents who grouse about lazy, phone using, texting sitters who would rather live amongst emojis than love and worship the most special child in Brooklyn for the precious scant few hours the two of you have together have powers of cognitive dissonance such that they can turn around and text me constantly while I am trying to care for their child. I don’t mean one or two check ins, I mean an unending barrage of tips, questions and requests. Usually these texts are “helpful”, perhaps reminding me that diapers should be changed when wet.  Questioning me  for the 45th time about how exactly I prepare a bottle of formula. Expecting me to snap pics of playtime on demand. Requesting documentation of every second I spend with your little snookums, who is probably waiting impatiently in his stroller as I pause on the way to the playground to address the fifteen texts you have sent me since I left your house. Which brings us to:

3. You Micromanage My Time With Your Child

Please tell me when your child should eat, sleep, take medicine, or do anything else for which scheduling matters. I will do what you tell me to do at the time you tell me to do it…within reason.  If you tell me that your kid should go outside from 1:20-2:03 pm because that’s nebulously  “good” and that while outside I should walk west for two blocks, then south, then pause by a rose bush whilst slowly bouncing your child in my arms, spritzing calming lavender and singing an improvised few verses of “Papa’s Gonna Buy You a Mocking Bird”…honestly? I’m just not going to do that. Save us both the time and stress and let your child and me decide whether we play Apples to Apples or Connect Four.

4. Surprise! You come home three hours early! (And don’t pay me for our agreed upon shift!)

Hooray! I can go home early! That’d be really great except I turned down another job to be here and honor my commitment to you and now make half the money I was counting on to pay my rent and eat and stuff. I also am not going home and now will be paying for the honor of staying out of the cold at a Starbucks while I kill time until the evening plans I scheduled around your day. So, actually, this kind of sucks.

5. You Fail To Inform Me Of Your Child’s Serious Medical Conditions

Tell me. Write it down. Stick it on the fridge. I don’t like the sensation of sinking dread that comes with a ten year old warning me that maybe his little sister shouldn’t eat that peanut butter prominently featured in your cupboard. If you have a child who could possibly be hospitalized if they eat something harmless to most people, especially a thing that your other kids eat that is in your kitchen, that’s information I should have. This goes for any kids who come over for play dates as well.

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