10 Ways Parenting Makes You Eat Your Words

A little humble pie is good for everyone now and then – but I feel like I’ve had to gorge myself on it. I don’t know if I was optimistic before I had kids or just really, really delusional. I truly had this image of what my maternal self would look like. Spoiler alert: she looks nothing like I thought she would.

Here are a few things I have totally had to suck up about the parent I thought I would be. Damn you, reality. You suck.

1. I’m totally going to nap when the baby naps.

Then you realize there is so much other stuff you have to cram in.

2. I’m not using television to babysit my kids.

Then you realize they stop following you around when their favorite show is on.

3. I’m making all of her baby food from scratch.

Then you hand your baby a pouch, they suck it down, and the heavens open up.

4. I’m never going to raise my voice.

Then you realize you’re human.

5. I’m not going to insist the house is quiet while he naps.

Then you realize your baby is a light sleeper.

6. There’s no way I’m going to let my house look like a toy store.

Then you realize kids don’t just like to play in their rooms.

7. I’m never going to give in to a tantrum.

Then the day comes when you choose sanity over boundaries – just this once.

8. How hard can it be to keep a child quiet on a plane?

Then you realize taking to the skies does something demonic to your child.

9. I’m not making my toddler special food. He’ll eat what we eat.

Then your child who once at everything you put in front of him decides he will exist on cheese singles alone.

10. I don’t even like wine.

Yeah.