The 8 Worst Reasons To Join The PTA

I’m just going to come out and say it: I hate the PTA.

In both the school district that I used to live in and the one I live in now, the entire PTA is little more than a clique for stay at home moms. I initially joined thinking I could do something good to help my child’s school but quickly found out that the entire endeavor was extremely Game of Thrones–y and the moms weren’t there to help so much as suck up big time to the teacher and gossip about the shameless working mothers who obviously didn’t care about their kids, which made sense when you think about it.

Working moms, if you really cared about your child’s education, you would spend less time trying to pay bills and more time sitting in those tiny chairs at the library pretending to cut out name tags and gossiping about Sharon’s divorce, which she totally deserved, btw, since she’s let herself go.

I’ve foregone the PTA this year, since I’d rather just volunteer to do busy work and laminate shit than listed to Jackie bitch about Helen’s botox one more time. If you decide to do PTA, congrats. You are officially a better and infinitely more patient person than I am. Just make sure you do it for the right reasons, as opposed to the wrong ones:

1. That superiority complex you’re nurturing

This especially applies to the PTA power mom, or Head PTA Bitch In Charge. Ours signed every single correspondence thus:

Muffy McBuffers, BA, MFA, PTA President

So that we would all know she had a Master’s degree. Gotcha.

2. You don’t get enough bickering at home

You crave conflict, probably because you cancelled your cable subscription a few months ago. Do everyone a favor and just go throw rocks at wasp’s nest or go stir some literal shit up at the sewage plant.

3. You want to treat other people’s lives as entertainment

You always have the 411 on people’s divorces, hysterectomies, and Lunchables consumption levels. You probably call it “the 411”, too. You are the worst.

4. You need validation. Desperately.

You are just like your kindergartner in that you will both cut out a decorative rabbit or something and then go make the teacher compliment you for fifteen minutes.

5. You peaked in high school and now you need to relive those glory days

Reach for the stars, girl.

6. You thought “Mean Girls” was a documentary that cast Regina George in a good light

At class parties, you can be found most often side-eyeing the working mom who has to duck out early and loudly explaining that, “Sure, volunteering at school is a sacrifice, but it’s all worth it for my kid. But I mean, that’s just me, obviously. Shhh, shut up she’s coming over here.”

7. You never outgrew your need for gold stars

What is the point of doing something nice if people won’t constantly give you back pats for it? There isn’t one, that’s what.

8. You want to take naps

Okay, so this reason probably doesn’t gel with the others. But trust me, the PTA is the wrong place for you if you want naps. Seriously. They frown upon sweet nappage in the multi-purpose room, and you’re better off snoozing at home.

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