Preschoolers Try to Visit Grandma by Stealing Their Mom’s Car

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(Via Facebook/Federal Way Police Department)

The other day I received a pamphlet about toddler-proofing the house, and the first bullet point on its menu was the least helpful piece of parenting advice I have ever seen.

“1. Think like a toddler” it said.

That’s not possible! Toddlers make no logical sense. The other day my toddler started shrieking and sobbing because she wanted her shoes on. I put the shoes on. That just made it worse. I took the shoes off. Then it got even worse! For 30 minutes she screamed and as far as I can tell, it was because she wanted her shoes both on and off at the same time, like some kind of toddler version of Schrodinger’s cat.

I don’t think it’s possible for a relatively rational adult human being to think like a toddler, and if it were possible, it doesn’t sound healthy. Because toddlers think and do crazy things. This week, a mother fell asleep in her house, and her pair of very tiny children decided the best thing to do in that situation was to go visit grandma. Somehow, they stole their mom’s SUV, started it, and actually drove away. 

According to Fox News 12, on Wednesday a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old in Federal Way, Washington, caused a car accident when they tried to drive to visit their grandma. They got into their mom’s SUV, started it, and started driving away. When they got to the intersection they T-boned another car, causing an accident that fortunately did not actually injure anyone, but it caused a noise that brought all the neighbors running.

“It sounded like an explosion went off,” neighbor Annemarie Warren said to reporters. “I hold the kids both in their hands and I said, Where’s your mom? ‘Sleeping. I want to go to my grandma’s house.’”

This is a nightmare. Toddlers can be so fast! If you doze off for an instant, you think the worst that will happen is that they’ll draw on the walls or something, but this is so much worse. Not too long ago, one Florida father went to the bathroom, and when he came back from a totally reasonable bathroom break he discovered that his 3-year-old had dragged a toy chair to the front door so he could reach the knob, escaped from the house, and was driving his toddler car down a freeway.

Luckily no one was injured and this was just a crazy story.

The kids were both uninjured in the accident, and the adult driving the other car reportedly only got minor scrapes and bruises.