10 Things That Won’t Prepare You For Labor In The Least

shutterstock_153759173If you’re nervous about your impending labor, you are not alone. I repeat: You. Are. Not. Alone.

I’m the type of person that gets nervous about anything that I don’t completely understand. Even if something exciting is coming down the pipeline””say, a job interview or a family vacation””I’ll stay up for days thinking about the potential awesomeness that is to come.

It should go without saying that I was a nervous wreck before going into labor. The thing I hated most about the whole scene was that you never know exactly when your water will break. Thanks a lot, God or Mother Nature or whatever you believe in.

It’s hard to prepare for something that is totally out of your control. Here’s what won’t help you keep your cool on the big day:

1. Watching Birthing Videos On YouTube.

Consider this a time suck that will do more harm than good””not highly recommended.

2. Prenatal Massage.

You should definitely get a prenatal massage because you’re an awesome pregnant lady, but it probably won’t keep you relaxed in labor.

3. Perineal Massage.

Olive oil + taint massage = massive WTF. I did perineal massage religiously for weeks before giving birth to prepare myself for the sensation of crowning. I still have no clue if my taint TLC helped with the pain or not.

4. Practicing Breathing.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll probably forget about the relaxed breath from the abdomen when everyone is screaming in your face to PUSH.

5. Bouncing On A Birth Ball.

I bounced on my birth ball like my life depended on it, and it did not induce labor or make me noticeably more comfortable. It was a nice distraction for a good 20 minutes, but that’s about it.

6. Talking With Your Doctor.

I personally don’t find doctors and midwives that comforting. Doctors can’t predict the future; they can only explain potential outcomes and what “might” happen.

7. Packing A Hospital Bag.

You’re not going to use 99% of what you put in your hospital bag.

8. Creating A Birth Plan.

A birth plan might make you feel better pre-labor, but most doctors and midwives will probably go HAHAHAH in their head when they read your elaborate birthing screenplay. When it comes to the usefulness of a birth plan, see #7.

9. Timing Contractions

Timing contractions is really cool, for a few hours. After you’ve been timing for days, you’ll probably get bored and call your doc when things get intense.

10. Using A Mirror During Delivery.

Experts say that using a mirror while crowning can help to reduce tears, perhaps by providing more control. All I can say is that I’m not that kind of gal. I preferred to trust my midwife’s advice rather than watch my babies shoot out of my lady parts in fast motion. Thanks, but no thanks.

(Image: Tyler Olson/Shutterstock)

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