Polyamorous Mom: I Broke Up With My Boyfriend For My Family

I have a husband, partners and a child — this column chronicles new territory for me called polyamory as I figure out how to balance my time and energy between each of my relationships.

When I wrote my first anonymous piece about polyamory, I was in a state of crisis. My new relationship was taking up most of my time: I was neglecting work and family. My husband was accepting of the lifestyle change but skeptical of the way I was going about it. He didn’t trust my boyfriend. He thought he was manipulative.

Somewhere along the way, my boyfriend and I became disconnected. He needed time to process, and I gave it to him. But after several days my frustration the feeling of being in the dark became too much to bear, so I texted him. I pressed the subject.

He assured me I did nothing to upset him, he just recognized that my having a child and his devotion to work and would make it too hard for him to manage a relationship. He stated he wanted to still hang out in public as friends, but being around my toddler made him too uncomfortable””and he could sense my discomfort around his dog, too (I have nothing against dogs in general, but his dog is extremely loud and boisterous).

Even though I understood, I responded defensively, accusing him of using his ”time to think” as a way to manipulate me. He didn’t offer an apology, or ask why I felt that way, or respond in any way that I thought a normal human being would. He kind of brushed it off, and suddenly I questioned whether he could have empathy for someone at all.

This all happened shortly before our family vacation. My husband, son and I drove in the rain to our lakeside destination, jamming to the Macklemore CD we’d just purchased. He fell asleep in the back seat, I held hands with my husband. On the surface, things seemed smooth. In my mind, I was still reeling from my pseudo-breakup.

When I was ready, my husband was willing to talk about it with me. He never once veered into the land of ”I told you so’s.” He still believes I’m polyamorous, and I do too. He may be as well, but he’s not ready to explore that for himself yet.

The next day, as the sun came out, I busied myself. We walked, swam, talked to people. I played board games with my husband. I read a book by one of my favorite writers that night. I felt calm.

But when we got home, I opened the floodgates again by initiating a casual conversation with the boyfriend via text. I’ll admit, I was trying to see if he would act like nothing happened, or if he would question why I was contacting him at all. He responded casually and happily. I wasn’t sure what to make of that.

Then something strange happened. I got together with his ex-girlfriend, a young woman I’d been very good friends with before but who had slipped off my radar during this turmoil. I finally told her what was going on. I asked her what she thought, if it freaked her out. She shook her head and just told me she needed to process it. Then I told her my concerns, and she assured me that though her ex-boyfriend was quirky and often proud, he was indeed capable of empathy and love.

It hit me instantly. I had been attempting to explain away the boyfriend’s behavior as narcissistic, sociopathic even. Rightfully, I think, I was feeling used. We’d started something amazing, and he’d given all these compliments and grand professions of how much he loved my intelligence and spiritedness, just to turn around and give up once we’d consummated the thing and the reality of the challenges of polyamory set in.

I realized it’s not that he’s sociopathic. It’s simple: he’s just not ready for this. But I’ve only been broken up with once””so it felt unreal to me, impossible. Maybe I’m the narcissist. But after hanging out with my friend, I had another talk with my husband. Despite my realization, I was so hesitant to let the boyfriend go completely. And if I did, I admitted that I felt the urge to go out and find a replacement, a rebound, which is another pattern I’ve followed my entire life. My husband was a rebound. It worked out in the end, but still. This kind of people-replacement can’t keep happening.

I needed to get to the core of the void I’ve been trying to fill. Part of it has to do with motherhood not being the perfect dream I expected it to be. Another part of it is the fact that any time I hang out with friends, my son is there, which makes it impossible to focus on conversation. And here’s something that may seem petty to you, but it’s important to me. I used to really enjoy the energy of a night out with a group of friends””not to get drunk, but to feel the buzz of a good beer and the carefree feeling of togetherness. I haven’t done this in ages. My husband doesn’t like bars, and neither did my boyfriend. I do, and I want that part of my life back.

So here’s the action plan. My husband and I will continue talking about polyamory and what it means to us. We will continue with the wonderful family time we’ve had with our daughter. I will invest serious time in my close friendships, and I will make time for the occasional group outing at night. Whatever comes of it is to be seen, and if another relationship forms organically, so be it. But this time, I’m going to make damn certain a new love interest knows what they’re getting into””and that there is a sincere foundation of trust and communication among all parties.

(photo: Africa Studio / Shutterstock)