Baby Fat: Phantom Pregnancy Symptoms Courtesy Of My Stupid Period
I think of my period like itâ€™s a friend-of-a-friend who insists on crashing on my couch for about five days each month (and who rudely beats on my door for a solid 24 hours ahead of time demanding to be let in).Â And, like with most unwanted houseguests, the dread that leads up to her visit is usually much worse than the actual visit itself. Â Don’t get me wrong, there have many been times when Iâ€™ve actually beenÂ superÂ happy to see her.Â But others where Iâ€™ve been beyond annoyed because sheâ€™s insisted on tagging along when I went camping/to Europe/really wanted to wear white jeans.Â However, usually her presence is just a minor annoyance and sheâ€™s forgotten about as soon as she leaves the key under the mat.
But now sheâ€™s acting like such a little bitch. Â Sheâ€™s NOT sticking to the houseguest arrangement we worked out years ago and is taking WAY too many liberties with our set routine.Â Sheâ€™s showing up early, sheâ€™s leaving late and now sheâ€™s prank calling throughout the month to â€œjust remind meâ€ that sheâ€™s coming.Â What is this chickâ€™s deal?!
The first month we starting trying I was convinced I was pregnant.Â I was downright smug about it. Â I just â€œknew.â€Â I ran all my symptoms past every friend that had a baby and they all agreed it sounded very promising. Â I mean, Iâ€™d never feltÂ thosesymptoms before. Â (Okay, most of them I hadnâ€™t.) Â Right?
For example, what is this weird swarming stretching feeling I now feel in my uterus? Â Or the low side crampy feeling that I like to think is an â€œimplantation crampâ€ (that is, until it switches sides). Â Or the stabbing feeling in my vagina that Iâ€™mÂ pretty sureÂ I would have noticed at some point in the past 20+ years of having my period? Â Am I going crazy here?? Â (Although my dire need to wash a king sized Kit Kat down with a Coke and a bag of Cheetos each month is one symptom that has remained constant.)
After a few months of being tricked by my â€œphantom symptomsâ€ I think I finally figured whatâ€™s going on. Â I forget that every five years or so my houseguest renegotiates the arrangements for her stay a little bit.Â For instance, the debilitating cramps I had for three days each month when I was a teenager have been streamlined down to one day that can just be managed by taking enough Advil to choke a horse. Â Progress! Â And the monthly tumor-like zit Iâ€™d get on my cheekbone in my 20â€™s has now been replaced with night sweats that can frizz a $40 blowout in record time. Â Itâ€™s a give/take situation.
So Iâ€™m guessing sheâ€™s in the middle of renegotiating our arrangement once again and of course has just failed to let me know. Â But come on!Â Could this have come at a worse time? Â Now that Iâ€™m trying to get pregnant Iâ€™m like a hyper-sensitive guard dog that must investigate every sound/smell/twitch in the night air.Â Which is just perfect becauseÂ everyÂ early pregnancy sign is also a symptom of PMS (now whoâ€™s bright idea was that?) and Iâ€™m just experiencing new ones.
Iâ€™ve decided the best course of action is to completely ignore my tricky houseguestâ€™s â€œphantom symptomsâ€ each month and just wait and see if she actually shows up.Â Itâ€™s not worth the mental energy and pricey, low accuracy early pregnancy tests to find out. Â If all goes well she and I will be taking a nice long hiatus from her visits soon enough and I can occupy myself with all the all-too-real symptoms of actually being pregnant. Â NowÂ thatâ€™sÂ going to be a demanding houseguestâ€¦