Congratulations Perfect Parents! I Think You’re Lying

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I am so fed up with sanctimonious claims of parenting perfection.  I’m not a perfect parent.  I’m just not.  I probably never will be.  But I will never pretend that I am doing everything perfectly to make someone else feel shitty.  That won’t happen.

We attended the first birthday party of one of my son’s neighborhood buddies last spring.  Mom rolls out the cake and incessantly begins bragging that there is no sugar at all!  She sweetened the cake with agave nectar or something and made a yogurt frosting.  All I could think was, this sucks.  I came to a toddler birthday and I don’t even get real cake?  I don’t feed my child sugar either, but when he turned one, I let him go face first into a real cupcake.  Fine, she didn’t want to feed her child and his toddler friends sugar.  That is responsible parenting and good for her.  There was just something a little weird about the way she went on and on about it.

Flash forward a couple months.  I’m out for a walk with my son, and we turn a corner and run into this same woman and her child.  Her child is sitting in a stroller holding the biggest sugar-glazed apple fritter that I have ever seen in my life.   He is gnawing on it, and there is sugar all over his face and crumbs everywhere.  He is actually in such a deep sugar coma that he is sort of falling asleep while eating it.  She looks horrified when she sees us.  She says, don’t judge me!  He was starving and throwing a fit. 

All I could think was, lady, you’re barking up the wrong tree.  I wouldn’t judge you if he was holding a Big Mac.

Your child has never seen TV, he has never had sugar, and he is the most well-adjusted being on the planet.  Good for you.  At the end of the day, I kind of think you are a liar.  You can judge me all you want, but I refuse to believe that any parents are perfect all of the time.  Maybe I’m wrong, but this belief helps me sleep at night – and I need all the rest I can get.


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