We’re nearing the end of 2017, which means it’s time for People Magazine to grace us with their choice for Sexiest Man Alive. With all of the brilliant, talented, socially conscious men to choose from, it was anyone’s guess! So who did they pick, out of alllllllllll the men they had to choose from? Blake. Fucking. Shelton. Now, before you come for me with your pitchforks, I’m not saying Blake isn’t attractive. In a white toast with tepid tea kind of way. But sexiest man alive? Nope. Nopity nope nope. I don’t know what universe People Magazine lives in, but it ain’t this one. So, for your viewing pleasure, here are 32 men who are sexier than People’s Sexiest Man Alive, Blake Shelton.
Like, by a country mile. Not even in the same ballpark. And I had to seriously limit myself to 32.
Can’t believe Blake Shelton is People’s Sexiest Man Alive when Idris Elba got 3 million more votes.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 15, 2017
1. The real People’s Sexiest Man Alive, now and always: Idris Elba.
In a world where there is Idris Elba, choosing Blake Shelton is a slap in the face. It’s a travesty. It’s a personal attack. Plus Idris has an accent. AN ACCENT.
2. Riz Ahmed
Emmy-winner Rz Ahmed is a British Pakistani actor, rapper, and activist. And just … look at him.
3. Jason Momoa
Hi, People? I’m not sure if you’re familiar with one Jason Momoa. Because you didn’t choose him. So the only logical explanation is that you didn’t know he existed. A retraction and reprint is the only way to rectify this glaring oversight.
4. Oscar Isaac
He’s fucking Poe Dameron, for christ’s sake! Plus, I mean … just look.
5. Daveed Diggs
Daveed originated the role of Marquis de LaFayette/Thomas Jefferson in everyone’s favorite rap musical, Hamilton. So he’s talented AND easy on the eyes.
6. John Boyega
Again, Star Wars AND an accent. He was robbed.
7. Donald Glover
Who else could bring us to tears with his comedic talents AND his musical prowess? The only Donald we recognize, that’s who.
8. Dev Patel
We’ve loved him since Slumdog Millionaire, but it was his starring role in Lion that won our hearts now and forever.
9. Colin Kaepernick
Not sure what’s sexiest about Kaep: his activism and social consciousness, his talent as an athlete, or just him.
10. Jesse Williams
The Grey’s Anatomy star spends much of time as an activist and leader for social justice. The doctor is IN.
11 & 12. Twofer alert! Julian and Joaquin Castro
These twin brothers and rising stars in the Democratic party are part of the driving force to turn Texas blue. If anyone can do it…
13. Post-Presidency Barack Obama
Leaving the White House looks goooooooood on President Obama. President of our hearts, forever.
14. Daniel Dae Kim
The Korean American actor left his hit show Hawaii 5-0 because the network refused to pay him as much as his white co-stars. We think Daniel and his cheekbones are gonna be just fine.
15. Daniel Henney
Actor and model Daniel Henney has been in pretty much everything. We need more. More Daniel.
16. Marwan Kenzari
Say HELLO to your new Jafar. Marwan will be playing the evil dude in the live-action remake of Aladdin. Honestly, just have him play all the parts.
17. Mahershala Ali
Y’all. How was it not Mahershala?! Did anyone at People see Moonlight?? My god.
18. Rahul Kohli
Maybe you’re not familiar with the works of one Rahul Kohli. Maybe you should rectify that.
19. Martin Sensmeier
The Alaska Native started out as a model, but thank god he’s chosen to grace us with his presence on the big and small screen. Shooooooooo.
20 & 21. Battle of the Chris’s! Pine and Hemsworth
Not gonna lie, I couldn’t choose. It’s the Sophie’s Choice of men named Chris.
22. Jeff Goldblum
He’s quirky. And mature. Plus he’s funny and charming. Jeff Goldblum is sexy as hell.
23. Michael Fassbender
Born in Germany, raised in Ireland (A BROGUE), Magneto pulls me in, not gonna lie.
24. Tom Hardy
I … I’m sorry. I forgot what I was going to say.
25. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
The Rock is one of those guys who’s almost more charming than he is sexy. Almost. Because DAMN is he sexy. Sure he was the choice last year, but he can do it again.
26. Channing Tatum
He’s magical as Mike and as Channing and at basically all times.
Rapper, actor, activist, Emmy-winner. He’s the total package in VERY appealing wrapping paper.
28. Tom Hiddleston
Oh, Hiddie. He makes being bad look so, so good.
29. Henry Cavill
HE IS ACTUALLY SUPERMAN. Like, what the hell, People?!
30. Taika Waititi
Taika directed Thor, which starred Real Sexiest Man Alive contenders Chris Hemsworth and Jeff Goldblum. What I would’ve given to be on that set…
31. Trevor Noah
Funny? Check. Smart? Check. Accent? CHECK. Trevor is everything, and we demand a recount.
32. Trevante Rhodes, future People’s Sexiest Man Alive
Words rarely fail me. I have none. This ends, my list of contenders, with Trevante. There’s no way I could possibly follow him with anyone else.
Ok, so People’s Sexiest Man Alive isn’t an official title. And yes, all of this is trivial and petty as fuck. But the magazine is also wrong, and we need to let them know. In a year where mediocre white men get all the glory, we shouldn’t let the REAL sexiest men alive go unnoticed or unappreciated.