new born baby

12 People You Will Meet The First Time You Take Your Baby Out Of The House

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Every new parent has to face one daunting decision: When to take the baby out of the house. It can be pretty terrifying. Do you do it from day one? Two weeks? Four weeks? Everyone you ask will have a different answer. And when you do finally decide to take the baby out for a walk, these are the 12 people you are guaranteed to meet.

1. The nice lady at the bakery who just starts giving your baby cookies

The baby is two weeks old and does not have any teeth, but this lady is so ready to start stuffing babies with treats she hands the infant an entire tray of biscotti. This only makes sense if she’s the witch from Hansel and Gretel.

2. All the big dogs in your city

Leashes? We don’t need no stinking leashes! We are big slobbery dogs and your baby smells awesome. Are we friendly? You don’t know!

3. The unattended toddler 

This kid is so sticky there are flies stuck to him, and he is barreling towards your stroller with his arms outstretched because he wants to touch your baby more than he wants to see a firetruck turn into a volcano. There is only love in his heart, but his hands are covered in sandbox dirt and boogers. His mom is somewhere drinking wine and playing Kim Kardashian’s iPhone game. It’s a shame; you guys could have been such friends.

4. The judgey 20-somethings who will be way better parents than you

This young newlywed couple can’t believe you’re out so late with that baby. It’s way to noisy here. Your stroller as dirt on it, and your baby’s outfit would not get liked on Instagram. They don’t say anything, but you can tell from the way they look at you then raise their eyebrows at each other that they’re thinking how much better they’re going to be at parenting when they decide to do it in 4 or 5 years.

5. The very pregnant lady

This lady is looking at you with abject terror in her eyes, and she thinks you have the answers to all her questions. She’s scoping out your brand of stroller and how it is handling turns. Are you using a pacifier? How long ago does it look like you slept? What is the situation with your post-baby body? If it were socially acceptable, she would ask about vaginal sutures.

6. The person who looks at your stomach and asks when you are due when you are pushing a stroller with a baby in it

Oh, any day now. Clearly I’m still pregnant. This newborn in the stroller is just a loaner baby.

7. Someone who is judging your feeding choices

If you are using a bottle, you should be breastfeeding. If you are breastfeeding, you should be doing so with a cover. If you are breastfeeding with a cover, you should be giving your baby raw steaks studded with nails to toughen her up.

8. Someone who is super excited to see your baby

These people are so freaking excited about your baby! They want to hold her and bounce her and pinch her cheeks, and they don’t care if she’s asleep. This baby is the biggest thing that has ever happened to this person.

9. The person who looks like a crazy person

Everyone else sees a totally normal person, but you see danger. That person is walking down the street drinking a soda? That person is totally going to throw their soda can at your baby!

10. The lady with a better stroller than you

This lady doesn’t even have a baby in her stroller, she’s just rollin’ that swag around town, showing off her wheels. Her latte is pumpkin spiced, and her side-eye is blistering. Don’t make eye contact, because she can smell existential dread.

11. The lady with the same stroller as you

You are now best friends! You should greet her with a high-five and start arranging playdates immediately.

12. A million people with colds

So many germs!

(Photos: Giphy)