Is It Over Yet? Why I’m Counting The Days Until My Kids Are Back In School
Some people claim summer is their favorite season. Yay, yeah, whatever, shut up. I hate summer. Yeah, yeah I know, this is all very first world problem and I should learn how to enjoy the months when my children are home and demanding food every 15 minutes because all too soon they will be grown and I will look back on these days fondly and wish for one last summer with them but for now I hate it. Haaaaate it. And they have only been off school for one week. Why do I hate it? Let me count the ways.
Every single container in my house has an insect in it.
Or a frog. Or a lizard. Â All of my lids have holes poked in them. And I have to answer questions that I have no interest in finding the answers to like “MOM, what do fireflies eat?” I remember being able to put leftovers into plastic containers but now there is no way my lasagna is going to live somewhere that once was the home to grass clippings and spiders. Â (photo:Â Coprid/shutterstock)
What asshole invented these? If you don’t make them over fire (and yeah, what asshole decided giving kids sharp sticks and setting something on fire was a good way to teach them how to create a yummy snack?) and you make them in the microwave and you turn your back for a second too long you end up with marshmallow exploded all over your microwave. Which is impossible to clean. And they don’t even taste that good. And my daughter always ends up with marshmallow in her hair. But S’mores mean summer and it just ain’t summer unless you are combing melted marshmallow out of you kid’s hair. (Photo:Â Â Mat HaywardÂ /shutterstock)
I’m going broke buying sunscreen. And antibacterial spray. And insect repellant.Â
Is there a “frequent buyer’s” program for this type of stuff? Even buying store brands when they are on special is making me broke. And the kids go through all these things like water, which makes no sense considering they are repelling the same bugs they are collecting. (Photo:Â Roman Sigaev/Shutterstock)
As soon as their rooms are clean, you’re screwed. Â
Do not be like me. Do not make your kids clean their rooms at the start of the summer. Do not help them arrange bags of outgrown clothes and toys they no longer play with for donation. This is the worst idea ever, because when they complain they are bored you will no longer have the “Go clean your room” tactic that will give you five minutes of peace in order to sneakily set the grasshopper living in your pasta sauce container free. Always leave a bit of a mess, or on rainy days you are going to be forced to do something like play a board game with them. (Photo:Â udra11/shutterstock)
Â The same music. Over and over again.Â
I love my kids listening to music. I have no issue with them blaring their music all day and well into the evening. But the issue I have is that my teen son, a huge fan of rap music, can’t listen to certain things when his younger siblings are around, so he keeps playing the same playlist on repeat. And this playlist is totally rated PG and all, but every other song happens to for some damn reason be a Kanye West song. About Christmas. And if I hear it ONE MORE TIME I may remove my eardrums, with a spoon. The theme to my summer of 2013 are the lyrics:
Well, I like the way you think, mami Now pour some more eggnog in your drink, mami You’ve been a bad girl, give Santa three kisses Gave her the hot chocolate, she said, “It’s D-ricious”
Â Children’s television.
Even with limiting screen time and locking my kids outside so they can catch insects to live in my Tupperware I’m still subjected to way too many kid’s television shows. I can get down with Adventure Time or The Regular Show or a few other ones that don’t make me grit my teeth, but there are some that are driving me insane. There is one about a dog. With a blog. Not only is it truly annoying, but if dogs actually start blogging I’m going to be out of a damn job. (Photo: the Disney Channel)
My kids never stop eating. Ever.
Kids eat so much when they are home! I know swimming and biking and catching insects makes them famished, but it’s getting to the point where I totally understand parents who give their kids a ton of junk food. I am going to start throwing bags of Doritos and popsicles out my back door in order to get them to stop demanding actual food all the time. You make them a nice breakfast with protein that you think will hold them off until lunch, and an hour later they want a snack. And if you are like me and trying to pretend you aren’t a total monster you end up cutting up fruit or vegetables and then discover they really wanted more snacks for their pets they have living in your food containers. (Photo:Â Â ilolab/shutterstock)
The damn circus is coming to town. Or a state fair. Or a carnival.Â
And if your kids are anything like mine they will want to go to there. Now, I hate circuses because I think training animals to do tricks is inhumane, and clowns scare me to death. DO NOT WANT. I can get behind carnivals and amusement parks because fried food on a stick, but the idea of taking my kids to a dirty place in the heat with long lines and scary people who need dental work trying to make us win a mirror with a Def Leppard logo on it sounds about as appealing as getting a root canal. (Photo:Â Â Racheal Grazias/shutterstock)
I know that I will have fun this summer and create all sorts of magical memories with these small people I gave birth to, but I can’t help admitting that I may be looking forward to the time when we get to shop for new pencils and backpacks. I love my kids, I love spending time with them, I love seeing them happy and freckled from the sun exposure and helping them choose names for their twenty new bug “pets.” I’m just already ready for it to be over. Â Only 55 days left!