Welcome To Parenthood! You Suck
Are you new a new parent? Congratulations! Welcome to the club. There is a fine line between being the “cool” parent that everyone still likes and being one of those insufferable breeders who talks about their kids too much. Once you cross that line, there is no coming back. Parenting is one of the hardest things you will ever be tasked with, but you must at all times make it appear effortless. Do you hear me? Effortless.
Making parenting seem easy will be the hardest thing you’ll ever do – but a must if you’d like to keep your friends. Why is it so difficult? I have some thoughts on that:
Raising a fully-functional human in today’s world is not easy. As parents, we’re expected to be present to a degree that we never were before. It’s no longer enough just to keep a roof over your child’s head, feed them, and let them know they are loved. Now we need to constantly interact, check homework, make sure every morsel of food that goes into their mouths has some nutritional value, apply to preschools before they are even born, engage with them at the park, make sure they aren’t watching TV, meticulously child-proof our homes – the list goes on and on. We need to pay insane amounts of attention to them while at the same time making sure that we don’t talk about them too much or share too much of what’s going on at the risk of being seen as “one of those people” on social media. You know – one of those parents who talks about nothing but their kids. Those people are the worst, aren’t they?
From here on in, you’ll need to fully devote yourself to your child, while at the same time managing to come across as someone who has a life. Here are a list of “don’ts” that may help you navigate your new role. Avoid doing any of these things at all costs.
Post too many pictures of your child on Facebook.
Admit you’re tired.
Refer to parenting as a “job.”
Go out with breastmilk on your shirt.
Take your child’s nap schedule seriously.
Audibly parent while on the phone with your friends.
Fall asleep during your friend’s dinner party.
Talk about how expensive preschool is.
Admit that you think having a child makes your life harder in any way.
Punch someone in the face when they manage to make “mommy” or “daddy” sound derogatory.
Did I mention never admit that you’re tired? Oh, or complain.
Congratulations! If you can stop yourself from doing any of the above you’ll still be a cool parent. Bonus points if you can also berate other parents for exhibiting any of the above behavior.