8 Universal Parenting Struggles, According To Infomercials
Infomercials are great at offering solutions for problems no one actually has, and who makes a better target audience for needless dramatic concern than parents? Our lives are practically made of infomercial fodder. Parenting in the world of infomercials is way more dangerous than parenting in real life. There are massive spills, injuries, and disasters lurking around every corner. I mean, it’s a war zone out there! Here are eight struggles every parent has, according to infomercials:
1. Camera catastrophies.
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Whew, those first photos are going to leave a mark! I can’t believe how many parents out there are cracking their newborn’s ribs with a Nikon. I thought I was the only one. Surely there must be a solution outside of a camera strap or, you know, just not failing at life. Help us, Made-For-TV inventors!
2. Spills. Epic spills.
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I usually spill juice by the gallon jug. That’s my preferred method. We go through a ton of apple juice, but it’s worth it to see the look of utter confusion on my child’s face as her rubber duckies bob and weave in the sugar-laden flood waters. “Is this bath time? No, Sweetie. It’s just how I justify three easy payments of $19.99 for this bib that tethers you to your chair like animal.”
3. We can’t have nice things, and this is why.
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Sibling violence destroys both your furniture and your family. In the time it takes you to watch this commercial, 33 couches will have been ruthlessly marred as a result of sibling conflict, unless you do something to stop it. Act now and we’ll send you lids for the whole family. Unnecessarily aggressive fights for the TV remote don’t need to leave a stain.
4. Our inescapable DIY fails ruin lives.
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How many times has this happened to you? You’re writing on a cake and you get all the way to the end of the word before you realize, “Oh my gosh! That ‘B’ took up like a quarter of the entire cake surface!” If only there was a way to prevent this. Like eyeballs.
5. Game time? More like PAIN time, amiright?
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Fending off a soft soccer pass from an eight-year-old is the leading cause of dramatically falling down in your front yard. Believe me. It’s science.
6. Doritos aren’t organic.
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That awkward moment when your whole family is eating on a white couch together and you suddenly realize chips aren’t a health food.
7. Laundry is hard.
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Anyone have tips on how to wash an entire burger out of a shirt? I need a support group. Better yet, maybe I’ll get one of those highchair-bib tethers from number two!
9. OMG PORN.
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Facebook? More like porn book! Porn is everywhere. There’s no escaping it. One second you’re writing a book report, and the next it’s like, BAM! Penises and boobs! I can’t even tell you how much porn I’ve had to dodge just writing this post. I wish my mom was here to overreact.
(Photo: Shutterstock)
