10 Parenting Methods That Are Just Excuses To Be Lazy
Parenting is work, dammit. Not that I need to tell any of you fine Mommyish readers this fact. But I think it’s more work nowadays than it was even a generation ago. Not because kids have changed, but because parent have. I’ve always kind of felt that we create more problems than we solve with various parenting techniques. But then I had an epiphany…maybe these sneaky parents are on to something. A lot of so-called parenting “methods” actually seem like pretty good ways to slack right the fuck off. And that’s okay. Methods like…
10. Cry-it-out, ha! More like “fuck it, I’m going to sleep”
Cry-it-out, aka the Ferber Method, is a highly controversial sleep training technique that’s not for the faint of heart. But it’s seriously easier, in the long run, than running into your child’s room every twenty minutes for a year. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason, and there is no shame in giving up and going the fuck to sleep.
9. Attachment Parenting aka “fuck it, I’m never putting this kid down”
This may seem counter-intuitive, but hear me out. If you never put your baby down, then you never have to think about it. Grocery shopping? BOOM, strap on that baby. Going to the zoo? Pop that kid on a boob and it’s off to the lion exhibit for mama. Easy peasy.
8. Free-range Parenting aka “hover-free parenting”
My dad was a free-range parent, except back in the day they called it “regular parenting.”
7. Helicopter parenting, also known as “all hover, all the time parenting”
What’s easier than never hovering over your kids? ALWAYS hovering over your kids. You might have to put in a bit more leg work, but no more sleepless nights worrying over how many friends they have in Minecraft, amirite? Love You Forever was an instruction manual, right?
6. “Because I said so” parenting
Often called authoritarian parenting, this style emphasizes the parent’s natural role as the supreme leader of the household. And how else can you get real, live indentured servants than to breed them? Yay, free labor!
5. Un-involved parenting, aka “The Republican Method”
Because just like the Republican party, once you’re born you’re on your own, sucker!
5. RIE aka Hollywood loves to make up bullshit about parenting
RIE, or Resources for Infant Educators is a ridiculously contrived parenting “method.” How does RIE make you lazy? Nothing is lazier than being able to say “Penelope Cruz made me do it” when you inevitably fail at parenting and life by following this bullshit “technique.”
4. Co-sleeping, because the Big Crib Conspiracy ain’t gonna fool me!
3. Elimination Communication is for hardcore lazy parents
Just strap that kid to the toilet and go watch your shows. Easy as pie. (I’m kidding, of course…it’s a baby, why waste the duct tape, she’s not going anywhere!)
2. French Style parenting, aka Free-Range parenting with better clothes
According to Pamela Druckerman’s book Bringing Up Bébé, the French do just about everything better, including lazy parenting apparently. Unlike their uptight American counterparts, the French will actually read a magazine at the park instead of hover over their little snowflakes. And I’m sure they look great doing it, too.
1. The Gwyneth Paltrow method
This method entails just being an insufferable douche to everyone on the planet. Tell them they need to buy overpriced crap and brag about your macrobiotic, paleo, martian, eco-friendly, ass-sustaining green leaf diet until your child has no friends whatsoever. Because maintaining friendships and being a halfway bearable person is for plebeians. Who needs to make an effort when you have Goop?