Childrearing

10 Parenting Inventions Someone Needs To Make Already

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child with ideaBabies are adorable but good lord are they high maintenance. Half of the reason I don’t want another one is because when I start to think about all of the stuff they need, and how all that stuff needs to be cleaned. And then there’s the issue of all that poo and crying and throwing up and never sleeping. Life would be a lot easier if we could stop inventing stuff like shutter shades, Daddles, and Snuggies and started inventing some of the stuff on this list.

1. Self-cleaning bottles

It doesn’t matter if you breast or bottle feed, anything that’s sat in a bottle all day smells like straight up farts.

2. Self-cleaning highchair

Or at least make a highchair with fewer nooks and crannies and a cover like teflon so that stuff doesn’t get all jammed in there.

3. Self-cleaning diapers

Useful if you cloth diaper.

4. Self-cleaning crib

Like one of those self-cleaning litter boxes. Great for blowouts.

5. Self-cleaning carseat.

See #2. You’ll be able to stop asking stuff like, “when the fuck did my kid eat paté?”

6. Some kind of wireless magical breast pump so you don’t have to stay tethered to the milking station.

Sweet, sweet freedom. This would also be useful if it cleaned itself. Everything should just clean itself.

7. Va-poo-rize

Except with less potential to kill a horse.

8. Some kind of rotating organizer for all of those dumb swings, chairs, and activity walkers you bought.

Why? Why did you buy all of these things?

9. An infant-to-toddler hamster ball, for safe exploration.

I will take an adult sized on too, please.

10. Some sort of baby pokèdex, for easy care tips and also baby battles.

Baby, the unevolved form of toddler. Water type.

(Image: Creativa/Shutterstock)