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Bad Mom Advice: Your Husband Loves Porn And Your Son Loves Waffles – Most People Enjoy Both!

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largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

It’s problems like these that make me question why I procreated in the first place.  Then, I remember I can get Bad Mom Advice, and everything doesn’t seem so soul-crushingly serious anymore. I have an 11 year-old son.  Great kid.  Does his homework.  Gets along famously at school.  No major health issues to report.

He’s stopped eating my cooking.

It’s probably not a personal attack on me.  But cooking the meals is one of the more-significant contributions that I make to my family.  This, combined with the fact that I’m Chinese makes it a cause for concern (it’s been said that we’ll eat anything with four legs that’s not a table). I’ve tried different cuisines, different diets, even making less-healthy dinners (this is really painful).  Dude just wants frozen waffles all day, every day. I know he’s not gonna starve, but I can’t keep indulging him by making two meals at every dinner time.  I’d also like to SEE him at the dinner table instead of finding plates of waffle crumbs under his bed.

Plz help.

Sincerely,

not-letting-go-of-this-damn-Eggo 

First of all, STOP MAKING TWO MEALS. For the love of Betty Crocker, you do not own a waffle house. I see parents do this all the time, they make a perfectly lovely dinner and when their ungrateful, bratty kids won’t eat it they say stuff like “Want me to get you a bowl of cereal?” or “Want me to get you a plate of leftovers?” or “Want me to make you a nice plate of white truffle sushi rice rolled in white truffle shavings with Uni Santa Barbara sea urchin?” or even “Do you want waffles?” You make what you make. They eat what you eat, especially at age 11. Now, sure, if you have kids younger than that I can see busting out the frozen “chicken” nuggets, fries, and carrot sticks for them if you are eating something over-the-top spicy or something that won’t be appreciated by a toddler (Like Creme Brûlée, because like do you really wanna waste that on a four-year-old?) but at your son’s age he is old enough to eat whatever you serve him. Period. Let him put items that you have prepared on his own plate. He doesn’t have to eat a huge amount, but he has to eat what he takes. Remind him of this. And when he finishes dinner if he still wants his beloved waffles he can have those for dessert. And don’t let him eat in his room! If he continues to sneak food to his room, wait until a hot summer day and steal a sticky plate from under his bed. Let it fester in your hot garage for a few days and invite all sort of new “friends.” Stick it back under his bed. When he comes home from school go up to his room and casually say “Hey, can you make sure you don’t have any dishes up here? I want to start the dishwasher.” Wait until he finds the insect and maggot farm he is harvesting under his box spring and then make him take it to the kitchen and wash it. And then say “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE PLATES UNDER YOUR BED!” Will it traumatize him? Yes. Will he continue eating in his room? No. Gosh, I’m mean. Good luck Waffle-dad!

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