How To Parent Like A Juggalo

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3. Smoking and Drinking and Drugs, Oh My!

Juggalo toddler with super soakers

For soon-to-be Ninjette mommies, it’s recommend that you cut back to no more than three packs of cigarettes and a 40 oz. of malt liquor a day. As for drugs, good Jugga-moms only get the good meth. It might be tempting to save your hard-earned that money your mom gave you by buying the cheap shit, but remember, your little Lo’ is worth it.

4. ICP Music 4 Lyfe

It’s imperative that your little Ninja hear nothing but sweet, sweet Insane Clown Posse music, ideally from the moment of conception. So go ahead and cram those ear buds right up your Jugga-hole. Because it’s never too early for your little one to be down with the clown.

5. Vaginas…How do They Work?

ICP babies how do they work

Since a major tenet of the Juggalo lifestyle is fear of the unknown and/or learning, it’s vital that you stay away from anything that might improve your life or make you smarter. From ICP’s anthem if intellectualism “Miracles”:

“Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist
Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed.”

Obviously scientists are all charlatans who can’t be trusted, and this includes doctors. A true female who is down with the clown will refuse any of that fancy-shmancy medical shit, instead popping a squat to give birth in a ditch during the Gathering of the Juggalos.

As nature intended.

(Photo: Crack Smoke /

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