being a mom

Bad Mom Advice: Potty Training In The Winter Is Bogus And I Hate Other Parents

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largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

I’m potty training my 3 yr old son. He pees in the potty but still won’t poop. He holds it all day then goes in his pants. Advise.

Why the hell are you potty training your kid in the winter? That’s stupid. You have to wait until it’s no-pants weather in order to potty train a child. Then you do what I did, when it’s warm enough you strip your kid from the waist down and let them spend their days peeing on themselves. Because they never actually really do this, kids are smart and if they are naked and they wanna go they get all panicked and scream MOM I HAVE TO GO and then you take them into the bathroom and they do their happy little business and you praise them like crazy and possibly put a temporary Spiderman tattoo on their arm.

I hated potty chairs and always thought they were creepy, especially the ones that played music when a kid used them. They are like portable plastic germ machines that look nothing like real toilets and then the adult has to dump the waste from them and no. I used those plastic toilet rings that go over normal-sized toilets because it made the transition from potty training to being a normal waste-disposing human easier, and plus I had no interest in dealing with a plastic bowl full of urine.

Most parenting experts — like me! — say that kids are ready to potty train between 22 and 30 months of age and if you are forcing them to do it before then you are probably raising a serial killer. The naked thing worked great for me, or maybe my kids are just really smart and they hated wearing diapers. During the night I used Pull-ups, but they got out of those pretty quickly too. I know my daughter caught on quicker than my sons, which just means that women are far superior than men. Praise your kid a ton, reward them with goofy stickers and stuff, buy yourself some wine. Good luck!


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