If You Thought ‘Hashtag’ Was Bad, Wait Until You Hear These Other Ridiculous Baby Names

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Naming a child is hard. Really hard. Unless you have some family name that you have no choice but use, you probably spend a lot of time pouring over baby books and quizzing your friends. This is the name that your child will have to respond to during roll call. This is the name that will be scrawled on the cup of every latte he ever drinks. This is serious pressure.

I understand wanting your child’s name to be unique – but some parents just went absolutely batshitcrazy this year. I mean really. What were they thinking?

Nameberry, the self-proclaimed “go-to site for expert opinion, savvy advice and information on baby names,” compiled a list of the most outrageous baby names of 2012. Boy, is it filled with some doozies.

Are you particularly fond of a movie? Why not name your offspring after it’s heroine? I’ll tell you why not. Because her name is Katniss. “Katniss attracted the most views of any name on Nameberry in 2012 – 60,000 page views, nearly 20,000 more than the next most-viewed name.” Really? Wow.

If you are lacking inspiration, you can always look to a good old standby – an instrument of death and destruction. Why not name your child after a gun? Apart from the obvious reason that it’s creepy, weird, and morbid – go for it.  Levi Johnston did. He chose “Beretta” as the middle name for his baby Breeze. It would be kind of cool if he were naming the child after the badass 70′s television series by the same name – but he is way too young to even know that it existed.

What better way to raise a future feminist than by naming her after a Disney princess? Kidding. Unfortunately, this year’s new princess is named, Vanellope. Get it? Like ‘Penelope’ but with a “V” and spelled totally different. I might like this one if it didn’t remind me of an episode of Cheaters I watched years ago, in which the “cheating” wife was named Panessa. Panessa. I’ve never been able to rid that ridiculous name from my mind.

But I think my favorites on the list come from parents with delusions of grandeur for their offspring. “Among the babies on the U.S. extended popularity list are five boys named Kingsolomon as well as children named Kingdavid, Princemichael, Sircharles, and Milady.”

Hmm. Whatever happened to Jennifer, Tiffany, and Todd? They’ll come back around in another few decades, when everyone gets bored of Katniss and Vanellope.