One Million Moms Are The Worst: Here’s What You Can Get Them For Christmas

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Maybe you’ve heard of the One Million Moms? They describe themselves as “a network of Christian moms who have joined together to stand up for our children and families.” Translation – a bunch of prudish bigots who spend their days clutching their pearls, practicing intolerance and writing letters of protest.

I personally think that the members of the One Million Moms are some of the worst human beings in existence – but even jerks get to celebrate the holidays so I didn’t want to leave them out of our gift guides. Christmas is kind of their jam, what with the birth of the baby Jesus and all. Happy Birthday baby Jesus! Sorry all these weirdos are constantly using you as a poster child.

1. Abacus


There are no where near a million members in this ridiculous group. Last time I checked there were 61,050 likes on their Facebook page. That’s 61,050 too many – but it’s nowhere near a million.

2. Skittles, preferably fashioned into anal beads


The Skittles protest wasn’t a waste of time. I’m sure when people see a commercial with a woman and a walrus they immediately think – bestiality! Right? People are always trying to push that whole lady-walrus agenda, so thank God the Million Moms exist to write letters. Here are some wonderful strings of Skittles. They are dual purpose; they can be used tasty anal beads or for mock pearl-clutching. Enjoy!

3. Italian Dressing-flavored lube

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Do you ever get the feeling that everything exists? This doesn’t. But I so wish it did. I would send as much as I could afford to Million Mom headquarters, so they’d really have something to be offended about. They didn’t like the sexy guy Kraft used to sell their dressing. Dressing isn’t sexy, Kraft! It’s not our problem you can’t envision licking salad dressing off this guys stom- I mean, that you don’t see the clear connection between sexy and Italian food.

4. Can you gift wrap tolerance?


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I don’t think so. But if you could – this would be number one on the list.

5. Dummy Bible Vibrator Stash

This probably exists, right? I mean, not necessarily for hiding vibrators, per se – but this would make a great gift.

6. Blindfold

If only they didn’t have the gift of sight, they wouldn’t spend 98% of their lives offended by everything they see. This is cheap, easy and perfect for the moms.

7. Ink Well and Dip Pen


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If they are going to act like it’s 1901, they should be able to write letters of protest like it, too.

8. Pearls for Clutching


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Judgment just doesn’t feel as good when you’re not clutching your pearls.