Obsessive Compulsive Parents Rejoice! New Onesie Monitors Your Baby’s ‘State Of Being’

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One of the things that blew my mind about having my second child was that it was an ongoing series of revelations about how I had overreacted to various health threats with the first child. This is natural I suppose, as when you’re most unfamiliar with child rearing, each slight fever or mysterious rash seems like an existential threat. There were times when I was so worried I would have done most anything to figure out exactly what was going on with my baby’s health.

Thank goodness that someone has come along and asked the important question here, which is: “How can I prey upon and ultimately monetize the fear of inexperienced parents?”

I present to you the Exmobaby Smart Garments, which  constantly monitor your child’s electrocardiography, skin temperature and movement:

Each and every garment in the Exmobaby line includes sensor technology that monitors baby’s vital signs and movement. The fully integrated capabilities built in to the clothing and apparel deliver wireless communication and evaluation of baby’s condition throughout the day as well as during critical night time sleep.

Parents of newborns receive text messages (SMS) and email alerts on their mobile phones, personal computers and other devices. These show up automatically in real time as baby’s movement and vital signs change. No extra or constant monitoring by parents, caregivers or relatives is needed. The Exmobaby product line does all the work.

Somehow the idea that a biosensor onesie will do “all the work” taking care of of a newborn doesn’t strike me as terribly realistic. Now I’m sure this has some terrific medical uses, but the marketing materials on the website sure don’t make it sound like that’s what this is about:

Exmobaby clothing and apparel will help all parents be better by providing ongoing monitoring and feedback about baby’s true state of being.

The capabilities offered by Exmobaby clothing and apparel products can assure parents that their children are okay and that infants, in particular, are safe and sound.

With this greater peace of mind, many parents will find it easier to focus on and meet the challenges life brings.

“Feedback about baby’s true state of being?” Huh? That thing’s got an ennui monitor on it? Work’s just stressing me out these days, but I guess I can stay late because I just got a text telling me my six-week-old is totally zen right now!

I guess this is just another reminder that we are living in the future. Unfortunately, in the future it appears that everyone needs to chill out and stop looking at spreadsheets of their baby’s skin temperature fluctuations. Trust your parenting instinct. Your kid will be just fine.