Scary NYC ‘Cannibal Cop’ Makes Me Super Thankful For My Boring Married Life

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Sometimes I have to make jokes so I don’t just curl up into a ball of fear and never leave my apartment.  This is one of those times.  As if there wasn’t enough murder, death, and mayhem on the streets of New York – this past week we added “Cannibal Cop” to the list of really screwed up things that exist in our world.  And when it came to light that he used a popular dating site to collect potential victims – I said a silent prayer that I never have to date, again.

28-year-old Gilberto Valle III, a six year veteran of the NYPD, was charged with with “conspiracy to kidnap, cook, and eat” as many as 100 women, one of whom he imagined cooking “over a low heat” so as to “keep her alive as long as possible.”  Do you know what tool he used to try and find his victims?  Ok Cupid – the dating site.  I have never been so grateful to be barefoot, pregnant, and locked down for life.

What does the dating profile of a potential serial killer look like?  A little corny, but surprisingly normal.  Which is even more terrifying.

I’m looking for an outgoing person who is comfortable with who they are, wherever they are. Someone with a great sense of humor who loves to try new things and who just goes with the flow if well laid out plans end up going to hell. A lady with good values who is helpful to others. A friend who can laugh at my corny jokes. A patient person who accepts the unpredictable parts of my job and who can understand that I may have to work on birthdays and holidays. A girl who can brighten up my day just by smiling, and who can make me smile with just a simple text message saying hi. I’m looking for a partner in crime who I look forward to seeing again seconds after I kiss her good-bye.

I don’t read “serial killer” in any of that, do you?  The most disturbing thing about his profile is that he thinks Dr. Suess is actually a doctor:

Favorite book is this one called Green Eggs and Ham. It was written by this famous Doctor. It’s about a guy named Sam who makes this new breakfast and tries to get his neighbor to try it. After many failed attempts, the neighbor finally eats it and to his surprise he really likes it. The Doctor’s message in his literary work is that it is good to try new things. I try and employ it in my everyday life.

Dr. Suess isn’t really a doctor, weirdo.  And thanks for ruining a beloved children’s classic, forever.  Also, ew.  “It’s good to try new things?”  Like slow-cooked women?  Let’s not forget this guy is a cop.  Someone we are supposed to be able to turn to for help in a crisis.  I’m seriously beginning to doubt humanity as a whole if beings like this can exist among us, creeping around sites like OK Cupid – looking for dinner.

Married life can get a little boring.  Motherhood can be exhausting.  But it’s stories like this that make me thankful for another night at home.

(photo: Ipatov/