Notre Dame Doesn’t Want Birth Control And Neither Do You, Says Notre Dame

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notre dame doesn't want birth controlNotre Dame, the prestigious Indiana university known for Catholicism, football, and rape, has asked the Supreme Court to rule that it no longer has to sign a form saying that it doesn’t want to provide birth control to its employees. That’s right, they’re not complaining about having to provide birth control because they don’t provide it under their exemption to the Affordable Care Act. What they’re saying is that they also don’t want to do the two pages of paperwork saying that they won’t offer birth control.

Writer’s cramp is a real thing, you guys.

When the Affordable Care Act was passed, it included mandatory contraception coverage for all employers and universities with the exception of churches and other houses of worship. Then this summer, there was Hobby Lobby, which argued that as a closely-held (i.e. few shareholders) company with sincere religious beliefs, it should not have to provide its employees with birth control. The Supreme Court agreed and ruled that closely-held, for-profit companies were exempt from the birth control mandate. I hope those crafty folks are getting more hours to pay for all those kids. Maybe they construct some sort of homemade “semen net” from Christmas themed fabric and glitter.

But what about the religiously-affiliated non-profits? Don’t they get a say about your sex life? Absolutely. The Obama administration put in an exemption for for-profits that allows them to sign a form stating that they have religious objections to birth control. They are then able to opt-out of providing birth control themselves, and instead it is their insurance company’s responsibility to provide and pay for it. What Notre Dame is arguing, as writer Isha Aran lays out in Jezebel,  is that signing the form is a “substantial burden” that violates their religious freedom because those employees are still being provided with birth control.

In other words, they want their employees — regardless of their personal religious affiliations — to be denied access to birth control completely. Also, they are going to need more money to pay for maternity and paternity leave, and they would like to build an on-campus daycare to…oh, no plans for any of that? Ok. I guess their employees can sign the forms that provide them with food stamps.

The idea that a craft store could deny its employees birth control is crazy enough. But now over 100 non-profits (in addition to Notre Dame) don’t even want to fill out the paperwork saying that they don’t want to provide it? They don’t want any of that birth control slipping through to their employees. Take note, folks. Unless you are against all forms of birth control, you might not want to apply for a job at Notre Dame. If you do, you’re going to need to make some serious adjustments to your life.

First of all, you can just go without sex for a while. No problem, right? Give your partner the news over a bottle of wine and a basket of pornography.

Second, accept that you are probably going to have a baby within the next year or so. I mean, you were thinking about it anyway, right? And even if you weren’t, that’s just too damn bad. So maybe your employer has forced the issue a bit. I bet they’ll get you something awesome off your registry, because they should definitely be invited to your baby shower.

Third, if you are single and not interested in having kids but still want to have sex, well, then you’re a whore. Go find a street corner to hang out on, whore. There’s no place for you as a custodian at the Joyce Arena. It says right there in the job description that you need to “remain on feet for duration of shift,” and we know you can’t do that, ya big slut.

So congratulations to Notre Dame on it’s bullheaded refusal to respect the rights and values of its employees while demanding that the Supreme Court respect its rights and values. Notre Dame: where our values are your values.

(Photo: Thomas Barrat / Shutterstock)