Nordstrom Will Ruin Your Jeans for $425

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Congratulations, moms of toddlers! You are now apparently swanky, high-end fashion, because according to Nordstrom, looking like someone has rubbed filth all over your legs is the new hotness. Nordstrom is currently charging $425 for these mud-crusted Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans by PRPS, but you can get the look for free just by taking your kid to the park and telling her not to wipe her hands on your pants.

The fashion world has been trying to outdo itself with the crazy jeans lately. First there were clear-knee jeans for those of us who wanted steamed-up windowpanes in front of our scar-covered knees.  Then hyper-cool new French fashion label Vetements teamed up with Levis to make a pair of jeans that bare one’s whole ass to the world.

Now Nordstrom isselling a pair of $425 jeans designed with caked-on fake mud to make you look like a person who actually works outdoors and is tough and manly and drinks beer instead of $16 gin cocktails out of mason jars.

“Heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty,” the Nordstrom ad copy says.

The idea of putting on a pair of $425 jeans to cosplay rugged, hard-working American workers is so wildly out of touch that at this point I am completely convinced that the copywriter for Nordstrom is trolling her own company. Nobody with a sense of how words work could write that these jeans show that a person isn’t afraid of hard work and getting their hands dirty without a big helping of shade.

Distressed jeans are nothing new, but jeans crusted in fake mud and billed as proof that one is “not afraid to get down and dirty” is a bit out-there. (Ooh, I have a new business idea! I’m going to sell jeans with upside-down peace symbols and flowers and hearts drawn on the thighs in ball-point pen, so it looks like you doodled them during English class in 7th grade. I’ll sell them for $2,000.)

Now, the real question is which pair of terrible jeans is the worst? The clear-knee ones are probably the most absurd, but I think we need to take price into consideration while determining which of these jeans is the least of three evils. The clear-knee jeans are only $98, while the mud-crusted jeans are $425, which is especially ridiculous considering any toddler could do that for you for free. But the Vetements x Levis bare-butt jeans are $1,500, which pushes the absurdity past the bounds of any rational justification. It was a close battle, but Vetements still has the title.

Which terrible jeans are the worst? Let us know in the comments.