Parents Need To Stop Freaking Out About Pot Candy And Just Use The Eyes In Their Heads

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Pot-laced gummy bears versus non-potFollowing the tradition of the old “razor blade in the apple” myth of my childhood, parents in Denver are losing their minds over pot-laced gummy bears that also happen to exist. There are also pot-laced apples, peanut butter cups, and other types of candy. Luckily, we all have two fail-safe methods of detecting the drugged up candy. I call them: eyes and common sense.

When was the last time you took your kid trick or treating, and somebody opened their door and dumped handfuls of loose gummy bears into your kid’s bag? Or perhaps a candy that looks like Pixie Stix but is labelled Stixx and comes with a label that says, “50mg THC” on it? You might consider those warning signs. Don’t eat loose gummy bears, and THC means pot. Now off you go.

Here are some other signs that your child’s candy has marijuana in it:

  • It has the word “medicinal” on it.
  • It has Satvia, or Indica on the label. Those are not new types of artificial sweeteners.
  • It’s a chocolate bar called “Hashey’s,” not “Hershey’s”
  • Other red-alert words are: “cannabis,” “dose,” and “potent.”

See? This really isn’t that hard.

Parents, please stop freaking out about this. Unless you let your kid have loose, unwrapped candy, or let them eat brands of candy that you have never heard of without employing a little bit of Google, they’re going to be fine. The Denver police, however, are warning parents to be cautious. Says the Daily News:

Activists and the police say the main risk to children at Halloween is that they may stumble across pot edibles by accident and mistake them for regular candy, not that they will have been given them maliciously while out trick-or-treating.

I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with this problem of children just “stumbling across” candy on Halloween that hasn’t been given to them while trick or treating. Let’s go back to the Eyes and Common Sense Plan (ECSP and I am going to trademark this shit). If your child “stumbles across” some candy lying in the bushes on Halloween or any other day, they should not eat it. If you see a big bucket on the corner with a sign stuck in it that says, “Free Candy,” you should not allow your kids to take any of it. Discovering accidental candy on Halloween is like propositioning a hooker in front of a whore house – why would you go with an unknown element when it’s getting doled out left and right in a controlled environment? That’s just foolishness.

We all buy the same bags of candy from the grocery store, anyway. The only times my kids have gotten anything I didn’t recognize is when they get some kind of organic, sugar and gluten free nonsense. And guess what? I don’t let them eat that stuff, either. Now let’s go get our candy on and get stupid high on Twix.

(Photo: Twitter)