No Big Deal: The Phrase That Revolutionized My Parenting

Every time a celebrity releases a book about their extreme parenting method, I wonder what  I, a normal, non-celebrity mother, would write. What would be my book’s theme; my parenting mantra, if you will.

 My first thought was that my book would be, Parenting: It’s All About Moderation but that gives away the whole conceit in the title. Plus, it isn’t extreme enough. So I, random internet lady, have decided to name my as yet unwritten parenting manual No Big Deal: How The Simple Phase Revolutionized My Parenting.

“No Big Deal” was not an intuitive mantra for me. For the first two years of my older son’s life, I was an anxious, nervous wreck. Like many first-time parents, I was so consumed with how I might screw everything up that it didn’t occur to me to think I might actually be doing something right. I was overwhelmed by all the things I ”should” be doing like enrolling my infant in the ”right” classes, having him adhere to a strict schedule, and making my own (organic) baby food. It was hard for me to just enjoy my son and my new identity as a parent.

But constantly worrying about anything and everything was exhausting. It was annoying. It was time-consuming. But, most importantly, it was no fun. And it wasn’t good for my son, me or my marriage. So I made a conscious decision to change how I parented. I wanted to have fun but I didn’t know how how were other parents able to enjoy parenthood and their children? How did they manage to not be constantly overwhelmed? How did they remain calm when things didn’t go their way?

I began to notice that because I was anxious about everything, everything carried the same weight. If my son didn’t take his nap on schedule, I would let it ruin my day. If the store didn’t have the exact flavor of baby food pouch I wanted, I was infuriated. I was just as devastated that my son didn’t finish lunch as I was when my husband and I had a really bad fight. I realized that I needed to step back and focus on my priorities.

So, after changing my perspective and getting the right anti-depressant (I’m not going to pretend that wasn’t a factor and an incredibly important one at that), I started to see things in big picture form, not in the minutia of the everyday. The truth is that many, hell, most of the daily nuisances and annoyances of parenting and even life in general deserve a shrug and a ”No Big Deal.” Now that I have a second baby, if he doesn’t nap I just say “no big deal” and we move on to a different part of our day. If the store doesn’t have the pouch I was looking for, no big deal; he’ll happily eat a different one. I’m more relaxed, less uptight about things being done the right way. After all, there’s no real right way to do anything.

My husband and I are actively trying to teach our now four-year-old that the vast majority of the many bumps in his day are really no big deal. You knocked over your water? No big deal; grab a towel and clean it up. Your baby brother drooled on your toy? No big deal; just wipe it off. You used your hoodie for a tissue? No big deal; put it in the wash. You get pee on the floor instead of getting it all in the potty? No big deal. (Although really, with two little boys, will my bathroom always smell like pee? Sadly, for the near future, I think the answer is yes)

The mantra isn’t intuitive; it still isn’t my first go-to thought when something happens, but I try to remember that if it’s not a big thing, it’s not a big deal. Although it makes my eye twitch when my son mixes Play-Doh colors, I don’t say anything to him about it. Because, who cares? Not me anymore. Does it matter that the red and the orange are swirled? Nope. It makes him happy and doesn’t hurt him or anything else. And learning to recognize that has actually been a really big deal for my family and me.