new born baby

If You Think Newborns Are Easier Than Big Kids You Have A Selective Memory

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Newborns aren't easier than big kidsBabyCenter has put together a list of 17 (yes, 17) reasons why caring for a newborn is “infinitely” easier than caring for a big kid. BabyCenter should stop being a liar. I would rather take care of the older half of the Duggar family than one newborn. Whenever I hear a mom talk about how much she misses the newborn phase because it was her favorite, I assume that she has some kind of mental imbalance. The newborn phase was the worst time of my life. My entire life. And I grew up disabled with an alcoholic father.

Let’s argue against each one of the article’s claims, shall we?

1. “(In general) the smaller the person, the smaller the problems. I’m talking spit up versus bullying.”

Wrong. Bullying I can come up with a solution for. There’s no talking your way out of walking around with regurgitated milk in your hair.

2. “Newborn care is pretty basic. They eat, sleep, and poop. That’s it!”

Are you out of your goddamn mind? This is exactly the kind of lie they make you believe before you have a baby, then three weeks later you still haven’t found time to take a shower and you wonder what the heck is wrong with you.

3. “They don’t talk back. My soon-to-be first grader’s argumentative tone of voice is far, far more grating on my nerves than any baby’s wail.”

Tell your newborn that if they don’t stop whining you’re going to take away the iPad. Now sat that to your first-grader. Who stopped whining? Exactly.

4. “You know where they are at all time. Put a newborn down in her crib, and she’ll be there when you get back. The same cannot be said for a big kid.”

Well, I have to give you that one. I can’t argue the fact that babies can’t walk.

5. “They always want you around. A newborn is palpably relieved when you pick her up. A big kid will roll her eyes when you pop our head into her room to make sure everything is okay.”

I’m actually pretty okay with being needed less. Not having to watch someone have a bowel movement is in my “plus” column.

6. “You get to pick out their clothes. A newborn cannot fight you on what to wear, save for pooping on it. But when a preschooler insists on sporting a leotard out to dinner, try changing her mind.”

You, my friend, need to learn the fine art of surrender. It’s like giving up, but happier.

7. “They can sleep through anything. At first, my infant was fully transportable, almost like a purse that needed to be fed. I miss those days.”

On behalf of all mothers of multiples, or any mother who had a baby with colic, I would like to invite you to converse with my hand.

8. Sleep deprivation is only temporary. Big kid attitude lasts forever.

You know what else is temporary? Water-boarding.

Sleep deprivation is no joke, man; I was hallucinating by week four. No matter what kind of attitude my kids give me, I can deal with it by thinking: well, at least I’ll be able to sleep tonight.

9. Newborns don’t ask you to buy them things. We can be anywhere; a grocery store, the gas station, a golf pro shop. Somehow, my daughters will find an item they MUST HAVE! Really, it’s a talent.

This is truly a pain in the ass, I agree. But I can say no to them and still not have to go to Costco to buy pallets of formula, diapers, and wipes.

10. Newborns require one type of food. Breast milk or baby formula, that’s it. Big kids require 594 different snacks, juices, cereals, etc.

True, but I’ll eat the hell out of a bag of fruit snacks. Never did try the formula, however..

11. Babies actually sleep a lot. Did you know a newborn baby sleeps 16 hours per day or more, including eight hours of daytime sleep? Meanwhile, a big kid is up ALL THE TIME. They don’t nap! They don’t rest! Then they fight you on going to bed at 8 at night!

I can’t. You know what, I just can’t.

12. Newborns let you speak to your spouse, sometimes. They don’t interrupt, remind you not to use a bad word, correct your grammar, or talk over you.

Here is an example of the scintillating conversations I had with my husband when our kids were newborns:

“Your turn.”

13. They keep their opinions to themselves. A newborn can’t say, “Mom, you are mean,” or “You look tired Mom,” or “Your tummy still looks big even though you aren’t pregnant any longer.”

My child speaks the truth. Mean? Tired? Big belly? Check check check. What else you got, kiddo?

14. They don’t fight you at the doctor. True, you may find yourself visiting the pediatrician’s office far more frequently than you’d like, but at least your baby doesn’t try to run away from the nurse come immunization time.

No, but a newborn screams at the top of their lungs and looks at you as if to say, “Why are you doing this to me?! I thought you loved me?!” Also, I once kicked a doctor in the stomach who was trying to give me a shot when I was a kid. So I relate to the running.

15. A newborn won’t do anything that forces you to apologize to another parent. When was the last time an infant cut in line for the slide at the park?

I take it your infants weren’t biters. Congratulations.

16. Newborns don’t have homework.

You got me there. High five for solidarity.

17. It’s okay to watch House of Cards or Orange is the New Black with a baby in the room.

That’s what those sweet, quiet, post-bedtime hours are for. It’s all about that high that comes at the end of the day when you can sink down on your couch and watch a reporter get shoved in front of a train (spoiler?). Besides, I always felt a little weird watching Law and Order: SVU with my babies. I’m lucky their first words weren’t “anal rape.”

(photo: Monkey Business Images / Shutterstock)