Mommyish Resolutions: 11 New Year’s Resolutions For Babies

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New Year’s resolutions are old hat for parents. We’ll all just resolve to exercise more, eat vegetables, drink more water, and appreciate the little things in life. Then we’ll get bored with all that and go back to The Good Wife and couch wine by February. But babies are brand-new human beings, and their goals are different than ours. Here are 11 perfect New Year’s resolutions for babies.

1. Eliminate Sleep Completely


Sleep is for the weak, and my weak parents sometimes sleep as much as five or six hours in a day. If I don’t shake off their lazy example, it will surely ruin my chances at getting into Harvard and managing a robotics company some day. Thomas Jefferson said he only slept five hours a day. I’m pretty sure I can beat that.

2. Lock Mom In Cupboard

shutterstock_6826246It’s important to have a role model in life. My role model is this genius baby from England who trapped its unsuspecting mom in a cupboard.

3. Rededicate Myself To Not Sleeping Through The Night


What with all the holiday planning and frantic family obligations, I slacked off a bit in December. Some nights I’d sleep eight to 10 hours at a stretch. But the New Year is a time to buckle back down, and I pledge to not sleep more than three and a half hours at any one time.

 4. Stick All Of My Fingers In Mom’s Nose


2014 got off to a slow start, but I’ve made a lot of progress with hand coordination. I’m pretty sure I can get all 10 fingers in my mother’s nose by June at the latest.

5. Learn A New Word


I’m working on my first word. My mother keeps saying “Mama” at me, but that is a first word for basic babies. It’s like, way to go, guys, you really got out of your comfort zone with that one. But I heard Grandpa say, “fart” the other day, and it was an epiphany. “Fart” is definitely the word of 2015.

6. Put This In My Mouth

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I do not know what this is, but it is definitely going in my mouth before 2015 is over.

7. Binge-Watch Scandal


My parents say I cannot have screen time until I am two, but have you seen the reviews on this show? Kerry Washington is a legend. Mom was watching this last week when she thought I was asleep, and two people screamed, “bitch baby” at each other for like 20 minutes. I must watch this show, or I will always be the lame, granola kid on the playground who is way behind on the zeitgeist.

8. Flip Myself Backwards Onto The Floor


My parents have fast reflexes, but I am pretty sure that if I arch my back quickly enough while pushing off with my feet, I can shoot myself right off an adult’s lap and onto the floor. With any luck, I will land right on my head.

9. Kill Sophie The Giraffe

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This pretentious, $25 squeaky toy is the bane of the house. She is preparing me for a lifetime of elitist consumerism, and my mother steps on her at least six times a day. Sophie the Giraffe must die.

10. Put The Dog’s Toy In My Mouth


My parents must love the dog more than me, because the dog’s toys are awesome. The dog can have Sophie the Bourgeois Giraffe; I want that dried, chewed-up pig ear he’s always dragging around.

11. Make Best Friends With The Cat


The cat is resistant to my charms, but I have opposable thumbs and she does not. I will wear her down the way Branson wore down the Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey. (No screen time, my lavender-scented butt.)

12. Write More Thank-You Notes


At this point, I’ll probably get to the thank-you notes for my baby shower before my parents ever do.