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Our Kids Can’t Be Bothered To Shun Technology For More Than 30 Minutes So Hasbro Ruined Monopoly

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63338D3A50569047F54BCD11AAD37BF9In an effort to modernize Monopoly for kids who have no desire to sit around collecting cheap real estate and socializing with their families for longer than 10 minutes, Hasbro has revamped the classic game. It’s now called Monopoly Empire and it can be played in 30 minutes.

I don’t see why our kids should be exempt from falling asleep at the family room table playing Monopoly like we all were forced to. Yes, the game is too long. But cutting it short is a travesty and a win for our children’s ever-diminishing attention spans. Also, the game has basically become one giant, product-advertising sellout. What the hell, Hasbro?

Hasbro removed “jail” so players don’t have to waste their time waiting to roll a double. Instead of collecting real estate, our young entrepreneurs collect “brands.” They then build “towers” with these brands and advertise on the towers to collect money. This is how Hasbro describes the game on their website:

Own the world’s top brands in the Monopoly Empire game!
Choose one of the uniquely branded tokens, move around the board and start building your Empire! Buy your favorite brands one by one and slide their billboards onto your Empire tower: the game is a race to the top! Collect rent from your rivals based on your tower height. And be the first player to fill your tower with billboards to win!

With the Monopoly Empire game, you can own some of the biggest brands in the world! Every space on the board is an iconic brand, including Xbox, Coca-Cola, McDonald’s and Samsung! Splash your Monopoly cash to build your Empire tower as high as it can go. You’ll need to make tough decisions and smart moves to take down the competition and be the first to reach the top. Hit the big time and own the world’s top brands with the Monopoly Empire game!

“You’ll need to make tough decisions and smart moves to take down the competition and be the first to reach the top?” Do we have to fire people on Christmas Eve and use child labor or something? Monopoly used to be a sort of fun way to pass some time with the family. Now, it’s just a not-so-subliminal product pusher that our kids can use to collect “brands” they’ll be begging us to buy them in real life. I hate this.

My kids will be forced to play the too-long classic that I grew up with. It’s only fair.

(photo: Hasbro)