being a mom

11 New Baby Things You Completely Forget About Once Your Kid Turns One

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newborn-swaddled-babyThere were so many things I prepared for coming home from the hospital, so many tiny milestones I watched my baby pass, and it’s incredible how fast it all went. Looking back on that sleep-deprived but exciting time, I made a list of things that seemed so important, so defining to infancy. Some of these things I studied like my child’s life depended on them (see: The L.A.T.C.H. car seat system), some were things I didn’t know existed till we were already deep into this whole thing (see: neck cheese). In that haze of the first year, they seemed like they would always be relevant and now they barely register. We’ve moved on. We’re growing up. From blowouts to crying it out, here’s my short list of things that I never thought I’d forget but are now a thing of the past.

1. Latch/L.A.T.C.H

Did you ever notice that this one has two meanings? Not only is it the keyword when breastfeeding, especially if you have trouble or pain: “How’s his latch?” “Is he properly latched?” “Is his tongue preventing a tight latch???” It’s also an important acronym when securing your car seat in a car. “The seat can be tethered by a seatbelt or L.A.T.C.H. system.” “Is your seat L.A.T.C.H. compatible?” “Dear God why is the f**king L.A.T.C.H. HOOK BURIED DOWN IN THERE SO FAR??”

2. Neck cheese 

The fragrant, white chunkies that come to rest in your child’s neck folds to remind you that your milk-fed baby needs a bath. Once they’re on solids, neck cheese will become more like “neck peanut butter” or “neck Annie’s Cheddar Bunny crumbs.”

3. Liquid Poops

The mustard-colored fountain of shit that erupts from your baby’s butt hole during that time when they’re being fed only a diet of milk or formula. If you’re lucky, you’ll see a Bellagio-worthy show while you’re mid-diaper change. Liquid poops also result in another fleeting phenomenon: blowouts.

4. Blowouts

This phrase no longer means the weekly 30 minute hair-smoothing ritual at the salon. You don’t have that kind of time. No, this is the thing where your kid craps so completely and voluminously that it comes out the back, sides and/or front, and can reach the neck, hair, back and other places you never thought a person’s poop would end up.

5. Gummy Smiles

The sweetest smile known to man. Catch it before it goes away forever when the first teeth erupt.

6. Swaddling/The Happiest Baby On The Block

Thanks to Dr. Harvey Karp, Miracle Blankets, and your birthing classes, you will enter newborn parenthood assuming that swaddling will solve all your problems. Simply wrap your baby into a Muslin tortilla and he will believe he has gone back in time, to the tight quarters of your womb. This works for a lot of people. It also doesn’t work for others, like babies who sleep with them arms up or are strong enough to break out of the swaddle. Still, you will  have at least one friend who won’t shut up about how The Happiest Baby On The Block solved all of their problems.

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