being a mom
11 New Baby Things You Completely Forget About Once Your Kid Turns One
1. Latch/L.A.T.C.H
Did you ever notice that this one has two meanings? Not only is it the keyword when breastfeeding, especially if you have trouble or pain: “How’s his latch?” “Is he properly latched?” “Is his tongue preventing a tight latch???” It’s also an important acronym when securing your car seat in a car. “The seat can be tethered by a seatbelt or L.A.T.C.H. system.” “Is your seat L.A.T.C.H. compatible?” “Dear God why is the f**king L.A.T.C.H. HOOK BURIED DOWN IN THERE SO FAR??”
2. Neck cheeseÂ
The fragrant, white chunkies that come to rest in your child’s neck folds to remind you that your milk-fed baby needs a bath. Once they’re on solids, neck cheese will become more like “neck peanut butter” or “neck Annie’s Cheddar Bunny crumbs.”
3. Liquid Poops
The mustard-colored fountain of shit that erupts from your baby’s butt hole during that time when they’re being fed only a diet of milk or formula. If you’re lucky, you’ll see a Bellagio-worthy show while you’re mid-diaper change. Liquid poops also result in another fleeting phenomenon: blowouts.
4. Blowouts
This phrase no longer means the weekly 30 minute hair-smoothing ritual at the salon. You don’t have that kind of time. No, this is the thing where your kid craps so completely and voluminously that it comes out the back, sides and/or front, and can reach the neck, hair, back and other places you never thought a person’s poop would end up.
5. Gummy Smiles
The sweetest smile known to man. Catch it before it goes away forever when the first teeth erupt.
6. Swaddling/The Happiest Baby On The Block
Thanks to Dr. Harvey Karp, Miracle Blankets, and your birthing classes, you will enter newborn parenthood assuming that swaddling will solve all your problems. Simply wrap your baby into a Muslin tortilla and he will believe he has gone back in time, to the tight quarters of your womb. This works for a lot of people. It also doesn’t work for others, like babies who sleep with them arms up or are strong enough to break out of the swaddle. Still, you will have at least one friend who won’t shut up about how The Happiest Baby On The Block solved all of their problems.