mom fun

10 New-Baby Gifts You Should Steal For Yourself

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Normally I would not advocate stealing from babies, but some babies are given a lot of stuff that babies don’t really need. Besides, you put in all the work. If anyone deserves a present, it’s you. Here are 10 new-baby gifts you should steal for yourself.

1. Aden & Anais Swaddles, $49.95

If you are a new mom whose friends and family are the type to follow all the purchasing habits of Prince George of Cambridge, you are certain to get at least one pack of these famous muslin swaddles. My hipster tendencies make me want to resist anything popular, but I just can’t in this case. They’re so soft, and so light, and they smell so good. My infant deeply resents being swaddled, and that is just great with me because all these swaddles are mine now. You can use them as aprons, tie them as headscarves, use them as furoshiki—all-purpose Japanese wrapping clothes—or wear them like summer scarves, and you will look just like one of the cool mannequins at Urban Outfitters. Put the kid in a Velcro swaddle and keep these treasures for yourself.

2. This white noise giraffe, $24.99

I am very lucky in that I received two of these stuffed giraffes with white noise machines in them, because if I had only received one then it would be mine now. This giraffe is my jam. Never in my life have I slept as well as when this toy starts playing its soft, rhythmic siren song.

3. Baby oil, $17.50

I don’t know why my baby needs to be oiled. Her skin is soft and plump, and she doesn’t have to wash her hands 97 times a day like I do. My cuticles need this more than she does.

4. Baby thermometer, $39.99

This little thermometer takes 1 second and goes right in your ear. I can’t believe I’ve been taking my temperature with a mercury thermometer like a loser. (This has little removable protective caps, so we can all share this one.)

5. Baby bathtub, $9.99

From the moment I saw this thing, I have wanted nothing more than to fill it with hot water and Epsom salts and soak my feet for the next 18 years.

6. Special blankets your mom knit with love

I don’t really know what baby blankets are for, since babies aren’t allowed to sleep anywhere but on their backs on a hard mattress with a tightly fitted sheet. And these soft, cozy little blankets are the most wonderful things for draping on yourself while watching TV. Besides which, I’m jealous. It’s been years since anyone knit me a beautiful, soft, handmade blanket with love! I guess I’m old news, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to curl up with a nice blanket sometimes.

7. This bunny nightlight, $85

I wanted this bunny nightlight from the moment I saw Eve write about it. It would go beautifully with my adorkable, Anthropologie-wannabe decor. The baby does not need a $85 rabbit nightlight because she doesn’t even know what rabbits or dollars are yet. I, however, will sleep like an angel by the soft glow of this very expensive tchotchke.

8. Baby wipe warmer, $19.99

The baby’s butt is just the right temperature, and it’s not like the baby wipes have gotten cold or anything. This seems so useless you might be tempted to return it to the store, but just try stuffing this thing with makeup remover wipes from the drugstore. They get all warm and toasty, and then you can lay one over your face and let it sit for a minute. It will melt the makeup right off, and you will feel all fancy and pampered.

9. The foreign-language doll, $47.99

I took 10 years of French, and I remember absolutely nothing. I keep intending to rectify the situation, but language lessons are expensive. The baby doesn’t even speak English yet, so I am taking this doll. I will give it back once I learn to say, “I would like two bottles of your finest Champagne, please.”

10. The fancy blender, $299-$639

I told everyone I needed a big fancy blender to make my own small-batch, organic baby food, because I do not trust organic baby food to really be free of preservatives and GMOs and toxins. I stand by that statement until someone buys one for me, at which point it is exclusively for margaritas.