Childrearing

I’ll Admit It, Motherhood Has Made Me High Maintenance

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The whole thing has become a ridiculous mental balancing act. Is the massage chair strong enough? Is the water hot enough? Will this color match all the outfits I want to wear for the next month? And the pedicure itself? I can’t tell you how many times I have submerged my feet in scalding hot water and not said anything.

I’ve caught myself several times glancing down to make sure the water is not boiling, and that my skin is still in tact. You may wonder why I wouldn’t just complain about the water being too hot. Well, let me share a little tip with you. The secret to getting a good pedicure/manicure/massage is this: at no time can you come across as a delicate flower. It ruins everything. They won’t give you a good massage, they won’t scrub the shit out of your callouses, they won’t use the cuticle cutters – they will be too afraid to hurt you. You have to put on your game face or risk getting the lamest spa service, ever.

Do you see what is happening here? Doesn’t it all sound exhausting? You’re right – it is. All of these mental Olympics for a stupid, fucking pedicure. Damn it. It sucks.

Pedicures are one thing, but don’t even get me started on the movies. I’ve seen exactly six in the theatre since I had my son two-and-a-half years ago. You can imagine the kind of pressure that kind of rarity puts on a director.

Christmas day. My best friend convinces me to slip out of the house for a few hours to go to a movie. My husband agrees to watch the kids. I am on cloud nine. We decide on Silver Linings Playbook because everyone and their mother is salivating over it. It doesn’t take me long to realize that we chose wrong.

Why did he just throw that book through the window?

Is that Sally Struthers? It is, right?
What the hell is wrong with that girl? Why is she totally manipulating him?
Am I supposed to believe that Robert DeNiro‘s lifelong OCD was cured by seeing his son dance?

What the fuck did she just whisper in his ear?
This is the dumbest fucking movie ever. We should just leave. 

These are all things that came out of my mouth during this movie. Flash-forward three months and it’s being nominated for every Oscar that exists. I was unable to be entertained by a movie that was nominated for just about every award a film could be nominated for. What has happened to me?

I blame motherhood. I seriously do. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep, the lack of time doing grownup things, or the backseat that my own social life has taken to being a mommy. All of a sudden every event is one that needs to be treasured. Everyone tells me it gets better when your kid goes to pre-school. I’m sure it does, only I’m about to give birth to a second. Ha!

You’re probably all thinking, this woman is terrible! Being a mother is the best thing in the world! You’re right. I just wish I could experience shitty pedicures and be bored at movies a little more often, that’s all.

(photo: Everett Collection / Shutterstock)

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