Mother Preaches Christian Values by Turning a Ham Sandwich into a Model of Taylor Swift’s Vagina
Idle hands are the devil’s playground. Even if you are super, super religious and conservative, if you get bored enough, you might find yourself doing ridiculous things like sculpting a model of your child’s vagina out of ham and posting the results to Twitter in an attempt to slut-shame Taylor Swift.
“The reason I preach #Christianity,” posted a Twitter user going by Jennifer Mayers, above a photo of two ham sandwiches, one with the ham tucked inside, and one with the ham splayed out in a way that vaguely resembles labia. “My daughters represent the right. Taylor Swift’s vagina represents the left.”
Mayers’ Tweet raises a whole lot of questions. Like, why is the right sandwich better than the left sandwich? Why doesn’t Mayers know how to use the word “represent”? Her daughters don’t represent the sandwich, the sandwich represents her daughters! Speaking of her daughters, how do they feel about their mom making a ham sandwich and posting it on the Internet to say, “This is what my daughter’s vagina looks like”?
Sure, we could engage with the slut-shaming and the bizarre idea that women are somehow worth more when we have not had sex, but honestly, it’s too ridiculous to bother with. A dude’s penis does not have the power to devalue another person. God doesn’t care what your sandwich looks like.
I think we can agree that those are some pretty weak sandwiches, though. There’s nothing on them but dry bread and an obviously inferior grade of sliced ham product. Mayers’ sculpting took effort, though. How long do you think it took her to sculpt that ham into a vagina? I wonder if she had to stop to check a reference photo. And what happened to the sandwiches afterwards? Did someone have to eat the vagina sandwiches, or did Mayer throw them away? I’m pretty sure wasting food is a sin.Â
Twitter, of course, has not disappointed. Some of the responses are absolute gold.
@jessbrammar@southern_mayers@taylorswift13 *nods sagely* cuh, what an amateur. and to be absolutely clear we don’t have sex with those?
â€” Alan White (@aljwhite) July 6, 2016
@jessbrammar @aljwhite @southern_mayers @taylorswift13 Why does her daughter have ham stuffed in her vagina.
â€” RicardoW (@RicardoWensley) July 6, 2016
DID YOU CUT THE BREAD LENGTHWISE??? DID YOU MAKE HAM SANDWICH HOTDOGS???? WHAT KIND OF GOD TOLD YOU TO DO THAT????? https://t.co/7iu1pHUJ6t
â€” DVS (@DVSblast) July 6, 2016
Frankly, Mayers’ account reads like a serious troll. The whole account has only been around for a month, and it’s so overtly racist and awful that it seems designed for no purpose than to make people angry. Today a few posts about pasta salad and Pinterest have shown up, but that could just be a red herring meant to throw us off the scent, because before that every post was just an overtly awful declaration of racism. All it’s actually succeeded in doing, though, was making people hungry.
Did someone say “ham sandwich”? https://t.co/XuSUl3SZs7 pic.twitter.com/84jmz3kvyY
â€” Lucky Peach (@LuckyPeach) July 6, 2016