8 More Accurate Ways To Refer To Morning Sickness

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Anyone who has ever had morning sickness knows that the label “morning sickness” is a big ol’ crock. It’s a, “whoever came up with this had a sample size of one” kind of lie. When I had “morning sickness” with my twins, I had mid-level nausea twenty-four hours a day, and would wake up in the middle of the night to dry-heave. I don’t actually know any women who only threw up in the morning and then went along their merry way. If I did, they were smart enough to lie to the rest of us about it.

Instead of “morning sickness,” I think we should start to refer to pregnancy puking by using one of these more accurate phrases:

1. Life Vomit.



Yup. Pregnancy is a magical, magical time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to run to the ladies room and change because I puked all over myself in the car on the way to work this morning. BRB!

2. I’m on a boat.



Always. I am always on a boat. You’d think living on a boat would be pretty awesome, but it’s not. It’s just nauseous and always tilting.

3. It’s only morning sickness if you wake up at noon.



There’s nothing I like more than getting home after a long day of work and relaxing on the floor next to the toilet. It’s my little urine-covered throw-up containing sanctuary.

4. Just getting through the day one cracker at a time.



Just the one Saltine for me, thank you. After all, I just had another Saltine two hours ago. Wouldn’t want to overdo it.

5. I’m not dieting I’m vomiting.



Ha! Yeah, it’s great that I’m not gaining any weight with this pregnancy. And yet, I also enjoy the life-sustaining nutrients of food. I am in quite a pickle that will only be resolved when I either give birth or die of starvation.

6. How Kate Middleton makes me look like a total wuss.



Oh, sister. My hat is off to you.

7. Sea-Bands are “business casual.”



I’m barley hanging on here, boss. So please excuse my hideous wrist bands that make me look like I am off to a tennis match in 1986. No, they have these horrible plastic knobs on them that I have convinced myself keep me from actually vomiting instead of just feeling like vomiting. I’d relax the dress code a bit.

8. Proof that prenatal vitamins are optional.

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Because they are, right? I mean, if I can’t keep down water, you can’t possibly expect me to swallow a pill, can you? It’s not like my baby is going to grow horns now…right?