Money-Saving Tips Not Written By Someone Who’s Only Ever Seen Poor People On TV

Listen, babies are expensive. They eat your money out of pricey Dr. Brown’s bottles and then poop it out into pricey diapers. I’m all for learning how to manage money better and save a little cash here and there, particularly because I’m a parent. Making the decision to have a baby is like making the decision to light a bunch of money on fire, so I’m constantly looking for ways to cut costs.

That’s how I came across this gem of a blog post, entitled: 10 Ways To Have A Child On the Cheap. Only, instead of offering me fine wisdom nuggets it has nothing but condescending and sometimes blatantly terrible advice all wrapped in a little tortilla of privilege and dipped in condescension queso. It’s the worst.

In it, you’ll find such novel and cheap savings hacks as “breastfeed” and “cloth diaper”. Some of it is downright groundbreaking like “buy stuff when it’s on sale” and other times it is completely out of touch with reality, telling you to use your flexible spending account from your job, because everyone’s got a job with benefits, right? RIGHT?!? Actually, most of it is just self-congratulatory, like this little gem:

Keeping formula in the house is a known “booby-trap,” which is what breastfeeding activists have indicated can get in the way of a healthy and long-lasting breastfeeding relationship. Despite this, my morbid need to always be prepared led me to keep it in the house regardless. I knew I was determined not to use it, and over ten months into my daughter’s life, I haven’t ever opened a canister.

To be fair, a lot of money saving articles directed at parents read a lot like this one, the kind of tone-deaf crap that assumes we all have a few hundred dollars to spend on a bunch of G Diapers and nothing but time on our hands to wash them. So I won’t get mad. Instead, I’ve compiled my own list of ways to raise a baby on the cheap:

1. Feed Your Baby Cheetohs

In addition to being delicious, Cheetohs are relatively cheap when you compare them to formula, especially if you get store brand “Cheese-ohs” instead. Also, they have less poison than formula, so you gotta like that.

2. Housetrain Your Infant

Allowing your child to poop in the yard represents a relatively low start-up investment since all you need is a baby and some grass. Hey, a dog can do it. Are you saying babies aren’t as smart as dogs? You’re a bad person.

3. Clothing and Gear

Baby clothing and gear can get expensive, which is why you should forego both. First of all, your baby should already be coated with a fine layer of orange dust from the Cheetohs you’ve been feeding them, which will keep them warm. Second, since you’re home all day long anyway, try actually being a mother for once instead of just letting your kids play on a tummy mat, geez.

4. Have Money Before You Have A Baby

Screw FSAs and HSAs. Just have money and opportunities before you have a baby. If you can’t do that, you shouldn’t be having babies anyway. Boom logic.

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