Push Presents Are NOT Stupid And You Should Totally Demand One Because Dumb Babies Get All The Gifts

I take huge issue with Maria Guido calling push presents stupid. Yes, the name is stupid – PUSH PRESENTS, but the idea of getting a fabulous prize after going through the total hassle of carrying a baby and then giving birth to it absolutely deserves a present. Or having a baby via surrogate. Or adopting a baby. Or even adopting a damn cat. The ONLY partners and spouses who don’t give you a present after going through this are ones who are dumb and/or poor, so if you don’t get a present after having a baby (or adopting a pet) then it’s your own damn fault for letting some poor, dumb asshole stick his P in your V and not reward you for it.

Your baby will get ALL the presents. There are baby showers and after you have IT there are people who bring you diapers and little outfits and all those stupid rattles your dumb baby isn’t even strong enough to hold yet. People coo and swoon over your baby and you will be left sitting there with your leaking breasts and your tore-up vagina or weeping C-section smiley scar and if there is anytime you deserve a gift it is NOW. I don’t care what this gift is, it could be a diamond bracelet or tickets to an amazing resort in a few months or a BIG ASS SCREEN TV or a freakin’ Big Mac and Supersize soda, you deserve something. And don’t go giving me this bullshit that holding my new precious baby is gift enough! because you are being a lying liar liar pants. Yes, babies are amazing and adorable and all that, but so are prizes.

Whether your are a single mom or you have a partner, either you will be DIY-ing a whole mess of stuff or taking on the majority of childcare after bringing baby home – no matter how involved your partner is. Unless both partners are independently wealthy and don’t work and have some amazing schedule planned out that is totally equal, which we can all admit just ain’t going to happen, ONE of you will be taking on the bulk of the childcare, and that person deserves some sort of reward. Yes, if you want to give your male partner a push present too then give him a post-pregnancy beej or something. But for anyone out there who isn’t planning on giving their partner a post-pregnancy-labor-delivery gift or for anyone out there who claims they don’t want one, you are just saying that because you know your partner is too much of an asshole to even go to the vending machine and grab you a Snicker’s bar. Much less buy you something you really want.