This Mom’s Brutally Honest Description of Childbirth Is the Funniest Thing You’ll Read All Day
Childbirth is the most ridiculous thing in the world. Why does it work that way? In umpteen millionty years, we really should have evolved nice little baby pockets so we can just take the infant out when it’s ready, instead of having to be split open from inside in a process that can’t be any fun for the baby, either. Even that is a bit invasive. I’m still waiting on the power to grow babies on trees, because childbirth sucks.
Few people capture the bizarre grotesquerie of vaginal childbirth quite like Scottish mom Jordan Kennedy, who described the process in detail in a viral and extremely relatable Facebook post that has since been shared more than 12,000 times, probably mostly by mothers saying, “Yup.”
“it’s some buzz when the baby’s out but seriously being in labour has to be one of the most ugly things ever,” she wrote. “you start off with your wee clean pj’s and matching slippers.. all smiles even a bit of lip gloss ta keep you in gid spirit..then as the contractions start getting heavy the slippers are chuked across the room.. yar hairs scraped back like dog the bounty hunter.”
That’s pretty darn accurate. How many people had their cute hospital pajamas picked out and a full makeup bag at the hospital, ready to look as cute as Beyonce in those, “Cuddling the newborn” photos, only to wind up looking–as Kennedy writes–like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
The whole post is hilarious, and it’s made even better by the fact that she writes it out so her accent comes across. Everything sounds funnier like that.
“Then it’s time ta push and God forbid you eat anything in the last 8 hour,” she continues. “your wishing ta god you had just farted in front of your boyfriend coz now he ken’s you fart.. but trying to keep your thoughts away fay the fact you just shat the bed you just take the next avaliable pain relief ta block out the embarrassment.. that Disny work so you call the dad all the bastands through a voice that’s once been heard in the wwe wrestling ring.. out pops a giant head and your arse feels like it’s been set alight before the shoulders Finnish you aff.. everyones that happy awww the baby…lets just all pretend hes no blue and got a big cone head..you forget it all and then just as you relax and take a moment to yarself some dodgy wee midwife that’s no slept in 35 hour trys to set about your vagina with a needle and thread.”
Yep, sounds about right. Everyone knows childbirth is painful, but it’s also profoundly bizarre and undignified in a way most people have probably never experienced until it happens to them. But then it does happen. One day you’re too shy and reserved to tell the barista they messed up your drink order, the next you’re just pooping on a table in front of your partner and a bunch of strangers. It’s just part of the magical experience of vaginal childbirth.
And then, after all that, tons of people volunteer to do it all again! Because babies are cute as hell, and once you’ve pooped on a table in front of 20 people once, you might as well do it again. Besides, once you’ve gotten that infant to the place where it’s two or three years old, you’ve seen weirder shit than happened in that delivery room. Being a human is so weird.
(H/T Babble ; Image iStockPhoto / SHSPhotography)