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Muggle Mom Rewrites Harry Potter As A Christian Story So Her Kids Won’t Go To Hell

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As Harry moves through Hogwarts the different groups try to recruit him to their particular house of Christianity. The Slytherins are Mary-worshiping Catholics, the Hufflepuffs are super chill liberal Christians, and the Ravenclaws – lead by Draco – are just misogynist dicks. (As opposed to Harry, who’s a kind misogynist with backward beliefs from the 1820s.)

“Please, ignore this fool,” Draco drawled smugly. “Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she’s a woman; and women are stupid.”

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!

“Women shouldn’t not have careers because women are stupid!” Harry shouted indignantly. “Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!”

The first six chapters of Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles is so perfectly executed it feels like satire. The story has already made it onto Reddit and most of the 1100 comments on FF.net are either truly horrified or applauding the comedy. There’s no way this can be real, right? Like, even Kirk Cameron would find this hysterical? If there’s any truth to the story it’s this: there are many Christians who believe the Potter books to be evil, and often popular culture is rewritten to give it a religious spin (like these Auto-B-Good videos, which is essentially Christian Cars). So even if this started out as a spoof, you never know when some parent might pick it up and, blegh, enjoy it. To them I say: just let your kids read the real thing. There is no greater crime than denying them the magic of getting lost in a book. And if you’re worried about them turning into wizards, well, wizards are f*cking awesome. We should all be praying for that to happen.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

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