Muggle Mom Rewrites Harry Potter As A Christian Story So Her Kids Won’t Go To Hell
The worst part about the story – you know, after the whole ‘rewrite it to be Christian’ thing – is that it’s stripped of all the most thrilling parts. For example, instead of heading down to Platform 9 3/4 and taking the Hogwarts Express, Harry and Hagrid just pray their way to school.
“How will we get to this school, Hagrid?” Harry queried curiously.
“We will pray,” Hagrid retorted knowledgeably.
“How do we do that?” Harry solicited inquisitively.
“Watch,” Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, “Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!”
First off, this is just straight up BORING. And if the whole point of rewriting Potter as Christian is to avoid wizardry, what’s more magical than praying your way into places?! That’s way creepier than anything Harry and friends do IRL. To make matters worse, Hermione, one of the best female characters in modern fiction, is now Dumbledore’s daughter (ew) and a milquetoast shadow of her former bad-ass self.
Hermione moved to push open the imposing, large door, but she struggled with the knob. It was quite a heavy door! But Harry was a good, devout Christian now. He would not have a young, godly girl struggling to open a door which he was perfectly capable of opening himself!
With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully, “Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!”