Resolution Week:10 Things I Vow Never To Do With My Kids In The New Year
When it comes to New Year’s resolutions for adults, they are pretty much universal. Lose weight? Boring. Hit the gym every day? Boring. Eat healthier? Boring. Stop watching the Real Housewives? Boring. And, also, by the end of January, you’ve pretty much forgotten your resolutions and are eating chocolate chip cookies while watching the Real Housewives saying to yourself, ‘I will go to the gym tomorrow…maybe.’ However, this year, I’ve made resolutions based on my life with my children, mostly resolutions that I will never, ever do with them. I’m so passionate about these resolutions that they have to stick. Instead of things I plan to do, or change personally, here’s a list of what I don’t plan to do in 2014 with my children.
1: No more sleepovers
At least at my house. I have never once had a good experience. Either my daughter’s friend wakes me up at 3 a.m. telling me she can’t sleep. Another friend of my daughter’s used her Iphone to call her mom at 12:30 a.m. and then at 1:30 a.m., without my knowledge, to tell her to come pick her up. Another of her friends woke me up at 4 a.m. to tell me she had a cough. It’s just too stressful! Do I give the friend cough medicine at 4 a.m.? Do I take away all phones before allowing her friends to come into my house for a sleepover? Do I make them sign a contract saying they are staying for the entire night and will not come into my room unless it’s an emergency? Plus, my daughter is exhausted the next day and grumpy and I don’t like her that way. If you want a sleepover with my daughter, she’s coming to you!
2: No more buying toys that are big and make noises
Yes, I get kids love them. But if I step on another toy that plays music, or a toy if you even slightly touch, plays annoying children’s music, I may check myself into an insane asylum. I want a calm, no-noise-unless-absolutely-necessary house. Quiet toys only please, which is what I will also tell people who want to buy gifts, along with no toys that are bigger than the actual baby or kid. I am running a house, not a day care centre.
3: I will not look at my daughter’s diary
I know. I know. But as a concerned parent, I feel I need to know if something really wrong is going on in her mind that I need to take care of. I will stop snooping. Or at least try to. Yes, I will TRY not to look in her diary or her phone. I will tell her to hide them really, really well, but not so well that she won’t be able to find them. Because I can’t be trusted. I admit it.4: I will stop showing off my daughter singing, on videos on my phone, to everyone I meet, including the mail man and the school crossing guard and the Starbucks barista.
I only do this about 12 times a day. I think she’s awesome, but I’m not sure others do or care. So I will stop saying, ”It’s only 50 seconds! Just watch!” Because, really, unless it’s a relative or very good friend, they really don’t give a shit about seeing your child singing on video on your phone.
5: I will stop allowing all my children (including my step children) to eat dinner in front of the television or whenever they want.
I will start, instead, to make us eat as a family, at least three days a week, at the same time. Let’s be honest. Dinner takes maybe half an hour to prepare. Sitting down to eat dinner takes about 5 minutes. I will also sit with them when they eat, because I am making a good example”¦for those five minutes.
6: I will stop ”borrowing” money from my daughter’s tooth fairy fund.
Not just because she’s almost lost all her baby teeth (thank god!) but because I will not be lazy and get to a damn ATM machine so I always have cash on me. Because I’m the adult. Right? Plus, I have another baby who will soon start losing teeth, so I no longer need my daughter’s tooth fairy money for emergencies. I have a backup kid! Ha!
7: I will stop using my children as an excuse to get out of things or places that I made plans to do or be at.
(Although this is one of the great beauties of having children! ”I can’t make it tonight. My kids are really sick and I’m too worried to leave them.”) Karma’s a bitch. When they are not sick, and I lie that they are, breaking plans, within the next few days my children really will be sick. Like I said, Karma’s a bitch.
8: I will not take my daughter with me to my dermatologist who, when asked my age, and I lied and said I was 37, my daughter said, ”I thought you were forty!”
I will not bring her anywhere where she will catch me lying about my age. Because I don’t want people to know my age and she’s just too damn honest. I will not take her anywhere, in fact, where I might have to use a little white lie, because she will call me out. Damn kids.
9: I will never take my daughter back to Atlantis.
It’s a total rip off, and the slides are way too dangerous for a 37 year-old mother.
10: Never let kids eat in car and always take their stuff out.
You know your car is really a disaster when you park it at a valet and the valet suggests that you get it detailed immediately on site, because there are cheerios and old French fries stuck between the seats and spilled sippy cups, numerous mittens and hats on the floor in the back seat, and old homework from two years ago. There’s also a stench. ”I have kids!” I told the valet. They are the ones who make the mess in the car. I’m the one who doesn’t make them clean it up. Not anymore! Happy New Year’s my dear children. New Year? New Mommy! Hope you like her!
(Image: getty images)
