All The Things In My House That Someone Really Needs To Put Away

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Because Lord knows I’m not going to do it.

1. Incredibly phallic rocket-ship costume.


  • Time in current location: 2 weeks.
  • Where it goes: In Halloween costume bin in attic.
  • Notes: Was compelled to dig out of attic because theme of 6-year-old’s summer camp week was holidays. Was mania of celebrations without agony of anticipation. Monday was Thanksgiving, Tuesday was Valentine’s Day, Wednesday was Halloween. Am told he was deeply committed to wearing 3T rocket ship costume that is supposed to come to knees but now only goes to waist. Removed only for swimming. Seemed adorable until I contemplated attempting to reenter sweltering attic to put it away. Was reminded of how entering attic always triggers deep sense of shame. Have such clear vision of attic’s potential and am seemingly powerless to execute it. Son loves to give tours of house and consistently ignores instructions to skip attic. What is point of frantically throwing all clutter in attic when guests come over only to have son expose lie?

2. One pair of husband’s dirty brown socks.


  • Time in current location: Several weeks.
  • Where it goes: Husband’s laundry basket.
  • Notes: Husband removed while sitting on couch and abandoned in middle of living room floor. I passive-aggressively relocated them to stairs so he would take them all the way up and place in laundry basket. If I said something he would apologize and put them where they belong immediately. But then I would probably point out that they’ve been sitting there for weeks and are clearly his socks. Was he born without ability to see brown socks? Is this obscure form of colorblindness? Am so funny! Does he realize how lucky he is to have married hilarious woman like me?

3. Wire sheathed in Styrofoam with wedge of hole-y Styrofoam cheese (or bell?) attached.


  • Time in current location: 1 week.
  • Where it goes: New home of son’s best friend.
  • Notes: Inadvertently allowed son to leave family dinner at best friend’s house wearing this as necklace. Do not understand what it is or why it exists but sons like to whip each other with it so I grabbed it and put out of reach on top of cookbooks. Have too many cookbooks. Son’s best friend is moving next week (only down street, phew!). There is no way best friend’s mom wants this back, and yet seems presumptuous to throw away. So will bring to new house and she will curse me for immediately ruining new house by returning this item.

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