Childrearing

Mom Helps Daughter With Penis Prank, Charged With Felony And Terrible Parenting

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The pranksters’ handiwork. (Photo: GoogleMaps)

I’m not one to force parenting rules on moms and dads, but here’s one very important one: Don’t help your teenage daughter burn a giant penis into her high school’s football field with weed killer. It may seem funny at the time, but it’s a dick move.

A mom in Bedford Township, near Detroit, her 16-year-old daughter, and her 17-year-old friend joined forces in late August to create a penis the length of the field. Her name is not being revealed in the case because her daughter is underage, so let’s just call her World’s Dumbest Mom for now. The mother-daughter dream team got the idea from other teenagers who have taken it upon themselves to imprint boners into school lawns. Yes, this is a thing now. School officials weren’t impressed by their hard work and creativity, and they’re now all facing felony charges of “malicious destruction of turf or soil.” Apparently sporting events had to be relocated and fixing the grass cost upwards of $20,000. Volunteers have also spent hours repairing the turf, which must have spawned some amazingly awkward conversations. “I’ll fix the balls, you guys get the head!”

My heart kind of breaks for the daughter, who has a 4.0 GPA. As someone who was arrested (and thankfully not charged) at 18 for stealing all the directional signs to my college, I know how a silly idea can turn into a stupid life choice very quickly. But parents are supposed to be the ones who stomp out your idiot dreams, not aid and abet in them. When this mom discovered her daughter’s weed killer stash she should have squashed her prank plans and punished her with months of yard work. Or at the very least she could have told her, “Penis pranks are so overdone. Why not make a vagina instead?”