Bad Mom Advice: Dogs Are Totally Stupid And Sucking Your Thumb Is The Best!

largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

 My four and 7-year-old want a dog. I really don’t want to get one, but they keep bugging me about it constantly. I know pets teach kids responsibility and we have large yard with a fence. Should I just give in? 

Oh hell no. Are you crazy? I mean, I don’t mean “are you crazy?” to disparage crazy people, so I am sorry if you are actually crazy, for real crazy, I guess what I should say is are you totally stupid? Dogs are stupid! And I am saying this as a person who loves dogs! You say your kids, who are really young, want a dog and you don’t want a dog but you know who will end up taking care of the dog? You! Dogs don’t teach kids anything other than unconditional love and that if they leave their robot dudes out unattended the dog will eat them. Don’t get a dog! Don’t get a dog unless YOU want a dog because the person feeding the dog and walking the dog and cleaning up the dog vomit will be YOU. Getting a pet has to be a family decision with the adults in the family realizing that they can’t expect their kids to do anything with the dog expect pet him on occasion and feed him leftover broccoli off their dinner plates when you aren’t looking and complain about him eating their robot dudes. Parents get their kids a pet when the kids beg for one and wears the parents down and once the novelty wears off (and with most kids, this is approximately two ours after bringing the dog home from the shelter) the parents expect the kid to care for the dog and when this doesn’t happen the poor dog gets neglected and ends up eating your furniture legs. Then the dog gets put up for adoption. This goes for any pet. Because I’m a dog owner and even though he is the kid’s dog he is really MY dog, especially when he needs to go out or to be fed. Don’t get a dog! Until you want a dog. If you want to teach them to care for a pet, get them a goldfish to share but even with a simple fish you will still be the one feeding it and changing its water and explaining to your kids that “No, the fish is not bored and he does not need a new friend.”

 My daughter wants to quit her extra curricular activity in the middle of the year, even though it’s paid up through June. She doesn’t have a reason. She just lost interest. Do I force her to go and see the commitment through?

Yes. 

You didn’t say what sort of activity it is so I don’t know if she is taking French lessons or ballet classes or whatever, but yes. Because you paid your hard-earned money and you could have used that to buy candy or lipgloss or something. Get all Tiger Mother on her about it because unlike dogs, sticking with an activity can actually teach your child responsibility. Now, I know, I know, it’s cold outside and if you are dragging your kid to whatever class she is totally bored with it isn’t a lot of fun, but think about the next time she wants to take a stupid class and now you can lord it over her about what a pain in the ass it was taking her to this current activity.

Dear Bad Mom, My daughter will be turning 7 tomorrow.  She still sucks her thumb.  Her dentist has advised us that she needs to stop.  She seems to be losing her baby teeth at a record-pace and we really would like the adult teeth to grow in normally without requiring expensive orthodontia. The thumbsucking has gotten the attention of both sets of in-laws and they’re suggesting some very old-school/Draconian ways of getting her to stop.  We’re shielding her and her thumbs for the moment. My question is:  Do you think disfiguring all her dolls with crooked teeth is an effective means of communication?

Break her arm. Seriously. I sucked my thumb until I was 11-years-old. No lie. I didn’t stop until I broke my arm riding my bike and I had a cast on my arm and couldn’t suck my thumb properly. It was awful! I think it’s good she sucks her thumb. Because it means you have raised a self-reliant little girl who doesn’t have to resort to outside means of comfort , like smoking Marlboros or popping Xanax. Mmmm.. Xanax. Anyway, stopping now may not mean she won’t need braces, her teeth are still growing and she may end up with orthodontics anyway, and I can pretty much promise you she won’t walk down the wedding aisle sucking her thumb. She will grow out of it. Tell your in-laws, in private, away from your daughter, that it’s frankly none of their business and you don’t know why it bothers them so much anyway. Their job is not to stop your kid from sucking her thumb, their job is to buy her expensive sweaters and put money into her college fund. And to babysit her on long weekends so you can take your spouse to a nice hotel. Your kid is sucking her thumb for a reason, whether she is doing it out of habit or as a means of comforting herself when she is stressed. As adults we all do shit to help us relax, whether that be yoga or double vodka tonics. And would you really want someone taking away your occasional vodka tonic? No. Why should your daughter be any different. Unless the thumb sucking is interfering with your kids day to day – her school and activities and usual playtime, than I say wait it out. Eventually some asshole kid will catch her doing it and make fun of her and she will quit on her own.

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