Bad Mom Advice: Dogs Are Totally Stupid And Sucking Your Thumb Is The Best!

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largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

 My four and 7-year-old want a dog. I really don’t want to get one, but they keep bugging me about it constantly. I know pets teach kids responsibility and we have large yard with a fence. Should I just give in? 

Oh hell no. Are you crazy? I mean, I don’t mean “are you crazy?” to disparage crazy people, so I am sorry if you are actually crazy, for real crazy, I guess what I should say is are you totally stupid? Dogs are stupid! And I am saying this as a person who loves dogs! You say your kids, who are really young, want a dog and you don’t want a dog but you know who will end up taking care of the dog? You! Dogs don’t teach kids anything other than unconditional love and that if they leave their robot dudes out unattended the dog will eat them. Don’t get a dog! Don’t get a dog unless YOU want a dog because the person feeding the dog and walking the dog and cleaning up the dog vomit will be YOU. Getting a pet has to be a family decision with the adults in the family realizing that they can’t expect their kids to do anything with the dog expect pet him on occasion and feed him leftover broccoli off their dinner plates when you aren’t looking and complain about him eating their robot dudes. Parents get their kids a pet when the kids beg for one and wears the parents down and once the novelty wears off (and with most kids, this is approximately two ours after bringing the dog home from the shelter) the parents expect the kid to care for the dog and when this doesn’t happen the poor dog gets neglected and ends up eating your furniture legs. Then the dog gets put up for adoption. This goes for any pet. Because I’m a dog owner and even though he is the kid’s dog he is really MY dog, especially when he needs to go out or to be fed. Don’t get a dog! Until you want a dog. If you want to teach them to care for a pet, get them a goldfish to share but even with a simple fish you will still be the one feeding it and changing its water and explaining to your kids that “No, the fish is not bored and he does not need a new friend.”

 My daughter wants to quit her extra curricular activity in the middle of the year, even though it’s paid up through June. She doesn’t have a reason. She just lost interest. Do I force her to go and see the commitment through?


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