10 Things You’ll Be Guilted Into Buying At A Momtrepreneur Party
When it comes to multi-level marketing, or MLM parties, I am solidly on the side that if you care about me, even a little, you will never invite me to one. I hate these things. I hate how no one ever explicitly comes out and say, “you have to buy something”, but it’s there, hanging in the air all around you as you sit in your friend’s house, trying to flip through the magazine to find something–anything–that’s under $15, which is way more than you want to spend anyway.
I always say that I’m not going to buy anything. But I always do anyway, and why? Because I am horrible at any kind of confrontation, especially the kind that involves me saying “no” to someone, and also because there is usually at least one thing that catches my eye in that, “hey, shiny!” kind of way. I think most people probably have something that in their house where if you say, “hey, what’s this?” they’ll roll their eyes and go, “oh I bought that at one of those dumb parties“. Like these:
1. A $150 thermal lunch bag with your child’s name on it.
To be clear, this is actually a $25 bag, which is too much anyway, but then to get the free shipping you have to customize it, at which point they charge you a customization fee, a threading fee, and a sweatshop PR cover up fee, which really adds up. It will smell like butthole in the space of a month.
2. A Tupperware bowl with no lid.
Or a lid with no bowl. Is Tupperware still a thing? Yes. Do they still sell the thing that your thing goes with? No, fuck you.
3. A nutmeg grinder thing.
You may not know this, but nutmeg is not a powder. It is an egg shaped fruit that costs a lot of money at Whole Foods. You buy a grinder to grind it, and the nutmeg, and this is somehow better than just buying a container of powdered nutmeg for one bajillionth of the price. If you have to ask why this is, you are a peasant and don’t deserve one.
4. A piece of jewelry that turns your skin green.
I don’t even like jewelry why do I have this?
5. Scentsy bars but no warmer.
Warmers cost $30. Bars cost $5. Just shred the bar with a fork and put it in a diya and add a wick and BAM! Still more expensive than a candle.
6. Some kind of diet shake that you can’t bring yourself to throw away.
The people who sell these are really loud so if you buy one they will go away and you will feel better. That’s logic you can’t argue.
These markers come from a group of people who mistakenly think scrapbooking is “sweeping the nation” they are also more expensive and way shittier than Prismacolors, which are already expensive.
8. A bottle of wine that cost too much to open.
You bought this after you sat at a wine party and the hostess kept asking you what you thought the wine smelled like. After the 50th time you said, “BITCH I TOLD YOU IT SMELLS LIKE WINE!” while everyone stared at you all shocked so you bought this wine you don’t like because you felt bad.
9. Really expensive counter spray that smells like a urinal cake.
But it doesn’t have any chemicals! Except, you suspect, the same chemicals that a urinal cake has.
10. A bath bomb that is guaranteed to give you hives.
It is enormous and you put it in the water and your hair starts to itch and now you have blisters, well done.