Lock Him Up! Lock Him Up! Lock Him Up!
Well, well, well! That shaped up to be quite the little Tuesday, d’innit? If you thought you’d just be sitting around waiting for the Manafort verdict to come in yesterday, Michael Cohen kindly requests that you hold his beer. In a surprise twist, Trump’s long-time personal attorney and fixer has agreed to plead guilty to campaign finance charges. The charges stem from a few pesky little situations where Cohen, bless his dumbass heart, facilitated payments to women who had affairs with the shuffling potato person in the White House. You might be thinking, well hey! He’s a lawyer! That’s what lawyers sometimes do! But this fucking numpty violated campaign finance laws to pay the women. Like I said, he’s a dumbass.
In addition to the campaign finance violations, Michael Cohen is pleading on tax and bank fraud charges, too. They just let anyone become a lawyer these days, apparently. You don’t even have to be smart anymore!
Looks like Michael Cohen pleading guilty before Judge Pauley at 4 pm today.
— Preet Bharara (@PreetBharara) August 21, 2018
Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we? Back when that rehydrated prune was running for president, a few … hiccups emerged. Namely, some porn stars and models that he somehow convinced to sleep with him had some stories to tell. Now in hindsight, it probably wouldn’t have been a huge deal. After all, the guy got 60 millions votes after bragging about sexual assault on tape, the morons who voted for him wouldn’t have given two shits about his consensual affairs. But fucking porn stars right after your wife has your baby is not a good look, yes? It’s the kind of thing that requires a deft hand to deliver a nice pile of hush money that would never see the light of day.
Instead, it was handled by the real-life equivalent of Lionel Hutz from The Simpsons. Michael Cohen handled the transactions, paying Stephanie Clifford (AKA Stormy Daniels) $130,000 for her silence. Cohen initially said Trump knew nothing about the deals, and that he paid Clifford out of his own funds to “save his marriage”. But then Rudy Guiliani, another lawyer who is shockingly even dumber than Cohen, said Trump knew about the payments and had ACTUALLY REPAID COHEN. If the payments were meant to help the campaign and were not properly disclosed, that is illegal. And given Cohen’s plea today … well. There are also the bank and tax fraud charges, which all add up to a VERY bad day for one Mr. Michael Cohen, attorney at law.
Cohen has just pleaded guilty to EIGHT counts stemming from his crimes. One count directly names one Donald J. Trump.
BREAKING: Michael Cohen has plead guilty to 8 counts of tax evasion, fraud involving a loan and regarding illegal payments. When asked “did you know what you were doing was illegal?” Cohen replied with “Yes.” Trump was involved in the illegal payment scheme and paid Cohen back.
— Scott Dworkin (@funder) August 21, 2018
Let us revisit this evergreen tweet in light of that little tidbit.
It’s just chef’s kiss perfect, isn’t it? The witch hunt is really turning up some fucking witches! Cohen: guilty. Flynn: guilty. Gates: guilty. Manafort: JUST FOUND GUILTY ON EIGHT COUNTS, FACING 240 YEARS IN PRISON. Here’s hoping Trump and his chinless wonder sons are next.
Only the best people, right, Mr. President? This fucker can’t even hire good criminals.