Are Women More Open To Adoption Than Men?
Building a family through adoption is a route to parenthood that many couples, and even singles, actively consider in the United States. Among IVF and surrogacy, adoption remains the option that is reviewed by couples struggling with fertility, as well as those who feel compelled to help a child in need of a home. But even though many Americans favor adoption, and do contemplate the possibility in their own lives, very few actually embark on the adoption process — and even fewer actually adopt a child. A peek into the consideration of adoption between heterosexual couples, however, reveals a pretty pronounced gender disparity into who is reflecting on this choice in creating a family. Men appear to be not be as willing to engage with the idea of adopting as women.
The first national adoption survey to include both men and women revealed the exact opposite. The highly-publicized 2008 poll revealed that on paper, men adopted at twice the rate of women with nearly 1.3 million men adopting a child versus an estimated 613,000 women. But those numbers primarily told the story of adopting stepchildren, as the men surveyed often married a woman and fathered her children from a previous relationship. Jeff Katz, a consultant on adoption and foster care issues, told USA Today that this scenario is “not surprising” given the common trajectory of divorce:
“More women get custody of children in divorce cases, so after a divorce the mom is living with her kids and she meets a man, and they get married, and he adopts her children.”
But as for heterosexual couples who are childless upon their union, men’s sentiments about the process were not to be found in that survey.
However, a recent Mommyish poll illustrated a very keen divide between adoption consideration between men and women. When asked how their male partner feels about adoption, a whopping 74% readers reported that he was opposed to the idea of adoption. Approximately 25.9% of readers shared that their male partner was initially against the possibility of adoption or completely indifferent. But more importantly, our readership failed to highlight any male partners who were explicitly “pro-adoption.”
“Part of it stems from my views about the role of nurture–meaning, its overrated,” he says. “What I mean is that by the time a child is born, your options for influencing [the kid] are severely limited. Your main opportunity is through mate choice.”
He maintains that raising any child is a wonderful experience, but that genetics have made fatherhood all the more brilliant in his case:
“Raising [a child] who, in some way, really is a next generation of you, who shares your genes and thousands of years of family history, is mind-blowing. I can look into my daughter’s eyes and see the eyes of my father’s father’s father.”
Steve Havertz, a mental health therapist for 21 years, says that he also was initially opposed to adoption after he married his wife. Having worked in mental health, he told me that his decision was firmly rooted in what he had professionally witnessed everyday.
“I saw the negative side of adoption. I saw the troubled kids with abandonment issues and in trouble with drugs, the law and causing chaos at home,” says Havertz. “I told myself I would never adopt.” Despite an adopted coworker who assured Steve of his love and gratitude to his adopted parents, Steve remained skeptical.
Much later, after having two biological children, his wife went through early menopause but still very much wanted another child. She asked that he reconsider adoption for the sake of expanding their family. After discovering the costs of adoption, Havertz hoped that his wife would be dissuaded. But a bad car accident suddenly left the family with a $12,000 settlement. Although he begrudgingly consented to the process with the new funds, he remained convinced that a child out there for he and his wife did not exist. But a remark by a birth mother ultimately changed his mind.
“We got our papers in and before our paperwork was finalized we had the agency calling us saying this birth mother had gone through all their files and she asked if there was anyone else. They showed her our file and she said, ‘They are the ones!’ That confirmed [adoption] for me.”
The family soon adopted a girl named Emmalee who Steve says he would not have traded for the world. Sadly, Emmalee was ultimately diagnosed with a rare liver and passed away on January 9th, 2009. The father of three maintains that he would adopt all over again, despite his tremendous loss. He credits his complete change of sentiment about adoption to “fate, information and a little help from above.”
“Do I regret adopting?” poses the father. “Absolutely not!… I love[d] Emmalee like she were a biological child. ”
Steve tells me that his personal opposition to adoption was primarily anchored in seeing the poor temperament of the children in his profession. However, he observes that most men he knows most likely struggle with the intersection between genetics and bonding when becoming fathers. Assuming that the couple is also having fertility troubles, coupling those issues with an adoptive child can leave men initially feeling like failures.
“I think it is harder for men. Without stereotyping I think women have have a more natural instinct to love and men are afraid they might not be able to love a ‘non-biological’ child. I think men might feel like they are less of a person if it is their ‘fault’ they can not have a child and might just shut down and not want children at all…adopting a child might be even more difficult emotionally.”
Steve advises women who are encountering some resistance from their male partners on the issue of adoption to refrain from pressuring their them, but to talk frankly about fears and concerns. He also suggests seeking out the advice of parents who have adopted and raising these same concerns. Chances are, they have overcome them.
(photo: Shutterstock)