mom fun

Tips For Keeping Your Marriage Hot (Hint: It Involves Lava Lube)

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Bride and groom, portraitMy husband and I are about to celebrate our third wedding anniversary, something that we usually celebrate with an emphatic high five and a loud, “Boom! In your face, haters!” in lieu of spending a metric asston of money.

You see, while we’ve been married for only a short time, we’ve been together for a good long while, a relationship that ensued on the date of our child’s conception. So really we’ve netted about eight years, which neither of us believes makes us anything approaching experts. Inexplicably, though, people will still ask for our advice.

I try not to be too insulted by the fact that usually the advice seekers are not the couples themselves but concerned loved ones who are shocked to find that their 19 year old son knocked up his 19 year old girlfriend, and could we please give them some advice about how to slow the barreling pace of the Failtrain?

No. I can’t. I don’t know why it worked for us. It really shouldn’t have, according to every frightening statistic trotted out in abstinence-only education. We had no money. We had no health insurance. We didn’t even really know each other. We were in college. We fought a lot. We resented each other.

Being unmarried parents had its awesome points. For instance, you can work on witty comebacks. For every biddy in the grocery store who stared at my naked ring finger and my swelling abdomen and commented, “You’re not married?” I was able to obliviously twirl a lock of hair around my finger and say, “No, but the father is!” When we did decide to get married, our daughter got to be our flower girl. Since my dad is a horrifyingly crazy Alex Jones devotee that I can’t imagine hanging out with ever, my husband and daughter did the whole schmaltzy father daughter dance instead. It was adorkable.

I’m the wrong person to ask for advice, mostly because I can’t take anything seriously. Still, if you must have it, I’ve compiled my top five list of fool proof* ways to make a marriage work.

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