You REALLY Don’t Want to Know Why Mario Kart Is Trending on Twitter, But Imma Tell You Anyway
There are few things I enjoy more than spreading the misery I am forced to endure as someone who works on the internet. One of the first things I do everyday is check social media and trending news to see what you guys might like to hear about. Hopped on Twitter this morning, saw Mario Kart was trending, and thought, sweet! A new game is coming out! Clicked the trending topic and … well. You know that end scene in The Crying Game? That was me. See, there is no new Mario Kart game. In fact, I will never ever play that game for as long as I live. Donald Trump has ruined yet another perfectly lovely thing.
See, the reason Mario Kart was trending is because, well, Stormy Daniels shared a bit about Trump’s dick. Specifically, how it looked like Toad from Mario Kart.
There is not enough brain bleach in the entire world to clean that image from my mind. The guys from Men in Black would have to wipe my mind over and over again for years to erase the memory. Like, what did we ever do to deserve this? We have gone to the bad place, you guys. THE VERY BAD PLACE.
But since we’re here, Imma make it worse and quote exactly what Stormy wrote in her book. It’s OK, I hate me too.
In an excerpt published in The Daily Beast, Stormy compared Trump’s dick to Toad (sorry, Toad). She says, “He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool… I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart… It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
Before you die from reading that, you have to read some of the reactions on Twitter. A final send-off, if you will.
Let’s just check and see why Mario Kart is trending today….oh pic.twitter.com/FrU3Z9HeP4
— Pumpkin Spiceotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 18, 2018
Breaking: Trump releases letter from 69 women stating his dick does not look like Toad from Mario Kart and its nickname is actually Donkey Schlong.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 18, 2018
Americans need to prepare themselves physically and emotionally for the very real possibility that Sarah Sanders will stand behind a podium and deny that the president of the United States has a penis that looks like Toad from Mario Kart.
There will likely be charts.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) September 18, 2018
He’s going to send tweets about this, you guys. You know he is. We are truly living in the absolute worst timeline. One day our kids will learn about the time the sitting president defended the shape of his dick against the claims of a porn star he slept with and then paid off. Burn all your Mario Kart games, we must cleanse it with fire.